


Love, Jihoon

by gothwoozi



Series: I Die Every Night With You [1]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Blackmail, Friends to Lovers, Homophobic Language, Hurt/Comfort, Love Simon!au of sorts, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Mutual Pining, Seungcheol and Jihoon are bestie goals, Slow Burn, Strangers to Lovers, bisexual!hoshi, mentions of bullying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-24
Updated: 2018-07-10
Packaged: 2019-05-26 13:30:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 25,775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15001901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gothwoozi/pseuds/gothwoozi
Summary: Like most, Jihoon expected university to be a restart button, which would automatically save him from his damned high school reputation. The idealization is quickly shattered when a classmate discovers his secret and uses it against him, leaving him with no choice but to do his classmate's coursework. His only comfort happens to be Choi Seungcheol, his best friend and roommate, Kwon Soonyoung, a dance major he became friends with through an assignment, and Hoshi, a crush he met anonymously on an experimental school forum.ora love simon!au





	1. #1 Bestie, Choi Seungcheol

**Author's Note:**

> If you aren't familiar with Love, Simon, I suggest you watch/read it sometime, because it's really an incredible piece. Come scream at me on insta (@gothjihoon) sometime, because I need more seventeen/soonhoon mutuals.

College has always been and always will be the ultimate blank canvas in life. One could leave their entire old life behind and become whoever they wanted to be in the city of their choosing. Unlike high school, it’s an entirely new environment with people who, frankly, were too concerned with their own GPAs and social lives to care about what a person might get up to in their free time. University life was the metaphorical needle and thread Jihoon needed to repair the shambles of his life, especially after what high school did to it.

  
But, only two weeks after classes even began, the illusion was quickly shattered, and Jihoon really shouldn’t have expected anything less. This was just the way life seemed to occur. Although, he didn’t expect it at a university-sponsored meet and greet event, so at least his life was anything but predictable.

  
“What?” Jihoon replied dumbly to his peer who was eyeing him with a hint of guilt in his eyes, but not enough to walk away from this conversation or even show remorse for committing the emotional equivalent of hitting Jihoon with a truck.

  
“My cousin went to high school in Busan. He was in your class, Jihoon,” Hyunseok said in a low voice, but Jihoon wasn’t sure why. When the other dragged him into the stairwell, they had left behind the dining hall full of refreshments and freshmen. The hall was so infested with over-enthusiastic, friendly college students, nobody would possibly care about the hidden conversation between Jihoon and Hyunseok.

  
Unless they knew the subject matter of course.

  
One of the things Jihoon especially hated about people is they were generally snooping gossips. They liked to trifle with lives which weren't theirs and didn't care about any sort of wreckage they left. Nobody back home in Busan even cared Jihoon had serious trust issues and enough emotional scarring to last him a lifetime.

  
“So, why does that matter?” Jihoon retorted nervously, even though he knew full well why it mattered. “Have you never met someone from Busan before?”

  
Hyunseok ignored this. “I told my cousin that you were in my music composition class, and he told me a lot of interesting things about you, Lee Jihoon. Should you even be allowed to stay in a dorm full of boys?”

  
If you watched the scene from afar, Jihoon was sure it would look like a looming bird about to eat a baby mouse. So much for his new peaceful college life.

  
“What do you want from me?” Jihoon hissed under his breath. “Do you want to call me names? Do you want to push me down these stairs? Do you want to make my life a living hell like everyone else, because you’re doing a pretty good job of it!”

  
Of course, Hyunseok didn’t consider himself to be a malicious sadist the way Jihoon started to describe, but rather someone who stood to gain from his cousin’s precious information.

  
“No, of course not,” he said gently as if this conversation wasn’t a big deal at all. “You’re a pretty cool guy, Jihoon. I like you. Of course, you do have a pretty big character flaw.”

  
That was a new one. Jihoon had never heard his sexuality be labeled a “character flaw” before, but college was supposed to be full of new experiences!

  
“So,” Jihoon repeated, giving Hyunseok a glare which could freeze over hell itself, “what the hell do you want from me?”

  
A huge grin spread across Hyunseok’s face, as though he thought Jihoon would never ask. He was a kid in the candy store...so many options of manipulation to choose from. He gasped, finally coming across the one which most suited his fancy.

  
“You’re supposed to be a musical genius, right?” he asked.

  
Professors began to claim this about Jihoon during the very first week of classes, even though Jihoon desperately hated the title. He didn't consider himself a genius, but rather someone who was more passionate and less lazy than some of his peers. So, he just shrugged in reply.

  
Hyunseok’s smile grew wider and even more leering. What Jihoon wouldn’t give to be in his dorm room with his roommate, Seungcheol, probably listening to BigBang and working on his paper which was due on that coming Friday.

  
“Well, Beethoven,” Hyunseok disregarded the other’s grimace, “I haven’t been doing very well in my music classes. But, I can’t switch majors, because that would be admitting defeat to my parents.”

  
“What does that have to do with me?” Jihoon snapped, ready to leave this conversation to go back to his poor neglected cup full of punch in the next room.

  
“We could help each other Jihoon,” he remarked, simply. “You can save my GPA by helping me with my coursework, and I could save your social life by keeping your little secret to myself.”

  
Jihoon huffed out a slight laugh. He almost didn’t even notice he was being blackmailed. Hyunseok just made it seem like a casual conversation between classmates. Maybe, he should’ve gone to law school instead, because he sure had a way of making it seem as though his way was the right and reasonable one.

  
“And if I don’t?” Jihoon dared.

  
Hyunseok’s gaze suddenly turned cold, and Jihoon was instantly as frightened as he had been every day of his high school career. “I won’t hesitate to tell everyone you’re a fag, Lee Jihoon," he drawled bluntly. “Do you think your roommate would want to move out? I would.”

 

With that, the perfect college life Jihoon idealized during his last few months of senior year were suddenly gone. No matter what he did, he always seemed to be under someone’s boot. He had no choice but to agree.

  
At least it was one person, instead of the entire school population.

  
***********

  
Much to Jihoon’s displeasure, his roommate wouldn’t accept his answer that nothing was wrong when he came home from the meet and greet. An inescapable cloud of doom hung over Jihoon’s head, and Seungcheol needed to know why. He couldn’t understand why Seungcheol was so nosy.

  
“Why do you always ask me so many questions?” Jihoon asked irritably, turning on his speakers. It annoyed Seungcheol most when Jihoon tried to ignore him by drowning him out with music, and the other was perfectly aware of this.

  
“Because I care,” Seungcheol stated simply, unplugging the speakers. “I live with you, Jihoon. I’m allowed to care about your life.”

  
Jihoon just turned the other direction and tucked his knees against his chest, just like a petulant five-year-old who doesn’t want to listen to his older brother. In no way could Jihoon understand Seungcheol’s nature to be so concerned. Nobody he knew in Busan was ever so considerate, not even his parents.

  
Seungcheol let out a big sigh and sat down next to Jihoon on his bed. “I understand that you want me to ignore you and pretend everything is alright, but I can’t. I have two older brothers, so I know when something is wrong. I want to be your friend because I know you are a far away from home, and you don’t know anyone in Seoul. Last year, I was in the same position.”

  
For the first time since moving into the dorms, Jihoon looked at Seungcheol and saw a good friend, rather than an irritating roommate. As far as Jihoon knew, Seungcheol wasn’t out to get him, so he had no reason to treat him as if he was a pest. But, Jihoon still couldn’t tell Seungcheol even if he wanted to.

  
There were tears in his eyes when he softly replied, “I’m sorry. I can’t tell you. It’s something I have to deal with on my own.”

  
And with that, Seungcheol’s persistence ended. He just offered a small smile and put his hand on Jihoon’s knee.

  
“Well, I’m here if you ever need a friend, Ji,” he said before turning off the light and going to bed.

  
When Jihoon laid down in his bed, he let out the tears he wanted to let out since the meet and greet. Really, he wanted to open up to Seungcheol, but he barely even knew the guy. From experience, Jihoon knew you get hurt when you trust people.

  
********

  
Ever since that night, Seungcheol’s annoying little quirks and habits became more bearable for Jihoon to live with. He would even dare say, Seungcheol was starting to grow on him. The guy was likable in every way which irked Jihoon when they first met, but it was better than living with someone who was a complete tool. In fact, Seungcheol was a genuinely kind person which was a rare quality to find anymore.

  
Three days after the event occurred, Seungcheol asked Jihoon if he would like to meet some of his sophomore friends, Jeonghan and Joshua. For some reason, Jihoon agreed, but he kind of wished he hadn't because meeting new people was stressful and exhausting. They were waiting in their dorm room for Seungcheol’s friends, and Jihoon’s palms were sweating. In high school, he was undeniably hated, so he never had the opportunity to be liked. What if he fucked it up?

  
When they heard a knock, Jihoon followed Seungcheol to the door. When he opened it, two incredibly attractive men were waiting, and Jihoon was slightly concerned he might have accidentally stepped into a reverse harem anime.

  
“Jihoon, this is Jeonghan and Joshua,” Seungcheol introduced. “Guys, this is my wife, Jihoon.”

  
Jihoon stiffened next to Seungcheol. He knew it was a joke. That was Seungcheol’s sense of humor, but it was deeply unsettling for him. Out of the corner of his eye, Seungcheol noticed this and cleared his throat and apologized.

  
Both Joshua and Jeonghan shrugged it off and explained, “he’s always saying stuff like that. Last week, he proposed to Jeonghan in the middle of the food court with an onion ring.”

  
All Jihoon could do was fake a smile and pretend he was content with it, so he did.

  
Finally, they left the dorms to walk to their destination. The plan was to go to an arcade a block from campus, where they could eat junk food and play Dance Dance Revolution. It was around 8 o’clock at night and the sun had set, so they walked along the lamp lit campus sidewalks. Joshua and Jeonghan were walking a bit faster, so Seungcheol and Jihoon trailed behind.

  
“I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable earlier,” Seungcheol murmured to Jihoon. “I won’t make those kinds of jokes anymore if they make you uneasy.”

  
Never in a million years would Jihoon have expected an apology for disturbing his own comfort. Back home, his dad would make jokes to ease the tension, but never did he acknowledge how they made Jihoon feel mocked because of his sexuality. Seungcheol didn’t even know why he was apologizing, but he knew he owned it to Jihoon anyway.

  
Jihoon’s only response was a forgiving smile, and along with, “I’ll only forgive you when you let me beat you at DDR.”

  
Later that night, Jihoon won DDR - 57,782 to 30,563. Seungcheol let him gloat all the way home.

  
************** 

Before Jihoon could get too used to enjoying his life, Hyunseok began unloading his assignments off on him. Combined with his own workload, Hyunseok’s workload took a metaphorical bat to Jihoon’s mental stability. He was not sure if he had slept more than 5 hours in 3 days. At that point, he was so desperate that he began to weigh the pros and cons of everyone knowing he’s gay. Not everybody would treat him like a leper, right?

  
It was too much for Jihoon, so he did the only thing he knew he could. He laid down in his bed, buried his face in his pillow, and began to cry. Seungcheol was at a business seminar, so Jihoon had at least 2 hours to let it all out before he came back to the dorm.

  
The last time Jihoon properly cried was after girls dumped eggs on him from the upper level of the school stairwell. It wasn’t the eggs which bothered him, because those sort of events occurred often towards Jihoon. Rather, it was because of how disappointed his parents had been when they had to replace his ruined uniform. By that point, they already knew of Jihoon’s predicament, because some fellow parents took it upon themselves to let them know who Jihoon _actually was_. Luckily, his parent’s didn’t disown him, but they heavily implied they would’ve been better off without him, especially after replacing his uniform.

  
Jihoon kept telling himself it didn’t hurt until he ended up in his room in Busan, where all his feelings began flooding out at once. He wasn't sure if his parents heard him or not, but if they did, they continued on like nothing ever happened.

  
Just as Jihoon’s sobbing was growing audible, he heard a knock from the door.

 

“Ji? Are you alright in there?” Seungcheol’s thick voice came from the other side of the door.

  
Quickly, Jihoon wiped away his tears and muttered a curse under his breath. Why the hell was he back so early?

  
“They canceled the seminar because the featured speaker has the flu. Is it alright if I come in?” Seungcheol asked.

  
Jihoon cleared his throat to make it seem like he wasn’t just bawling his eyes out, then told Seungcheol he could.

  
It was unavoidable for Seungcheol to see his red, puffy, tear-tracked, and snot ridden face, so Jihoon didn’t even hide. The other’s eyes were fraught with worry, which Jihoon wouldn’t have expected about three weeks ago.

  
“Are you up for that talk now?” Seungcheol asked patiently.

  
“I don’t think I’ll ever be ready for that talk, especially not with you” Jihoon murmured, still wiping snot and tears away with the sleeves of his sweatshirt.

  
“Why not?” Seungcheol asked, genuinely confused.

  
Jihoon thought seriously for a minute before saying solemnly, “I bet you never cry, Seungcheol.”

  
The other furrowed his brow. “What makes you say that?”

  
“You’re a man’s man. Everything about you screams masculinity,” Jihoon stated simply.

  
“That doesn’t mean I don’t cry. Hell, I cried this morning because of a stupid assignment. You know that men are allowed to cry, right?” Seungcheol asked.

  
Jihoon didn’t answer. Instead, there was a long pause of silence. Eventually, Seungcheol sat down next to Jihoon who remained very still, and told him, “Well, when you are ready for that talk, your number one bestie, Cheol, will be here to hand you tissues while you cry.”

  
This made Jihoon smile and huff a laugh a bit. “Who said you were my best friend? That’s awfully cocky of you, Seungcheol.”

  
“Oh, trust me,” he began determinedly. “I’ll definitely be your best friend eventually, Ji. Don’t even worry. I’ll win you over with my award winning smile.”

  
“Oh my god, shut up,” Jihoon said through laughs. “In your dreams, Choi Seungcheol.”

  
“You don’t know what I dream about,” Seungcheol said in mock offense.

  
“If it’s me, then I have to ask that you please stop,” Jihoon mock scolded.

  
As if Seungcheol and his banter were a cure, all tears ceased to form in Jihoon's eyes. He meekly smiled at Seungcheol, who threw his arm around his shoulders.

  
“I’m here to support you when you need me, Ji,” Seungcheol comforted.

  
“I can’t believe I thought you were an annoying fuckboy when I first moved in,” Jihoon retorted.

  
“And I can’t believe I thought you were a sarcastic asshole. Oh wait—you are!” he teased back.

  
Jihoon playfully hit him on the chest, and Seungcheol dramatically fell on to the bed and started to cause a scene which would put Shakespeare to shame.

  
Maybe, Jihoon could convince Seungcheol to beat up Hyunseok.   


 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soonyoung is going to be introduced in the next chapter, so be assured you will get the soonhoon you came here for. I'm just setting things up as far as plotline goes in this chapter.


	2. I Adore You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank my lovely proofreader and best friend, Lauren, for editing this mess. Also, kudos to a writer are like tips to a waiter, so please don't forget to leave them!

If anybody happened to notice how much Jihoon had been working, they never chose to comment on it. The closest thing was Seungcheol's concerned glances at Jihoon whenever the younger said he was going to one of the school's studio rooms to work on a piece. Though he wanted to say something, Seungcheol had chosen to back off, since he knew Jihoon still wasn’t ready to open up. Still, it hadn't slipped past Seungcheol's notice how dark the circles around Jihoon's eyes were beginning to grow, nor how sallow his cheeks were becoming.

  
Jihoon's deterioration continued on to midterms until he was rescued by an assignment that was a blessing in disguise. Every freshman in the music department was required to complete a collaborative piece with a freshman from the dance department. Pairs were required, within the three-week time limit, to produce an original 2-minute music piece, as well as choreography to accompany it. Despite its reputation as a grueling assignment, Jihoon thought of it as a sort of vacation: Hyunseok couldn’t get Jihoon to do his project for him, otherwise his dance partner would find out about Hyunseok’s blackmail and probably report the situation to a professor. Jihoon was free of Hyunseok for three whole weeks.

  
Partners were picked randomly, but that was fine with Jihoon because he didn’t know anyone in the dance department well aside from Junhui, the guy living across the hall from him. Jihoon thought the process would be something like picking peers for your dodgeball team, which would inevitably leave Jihoon last. But, it was more like the professor predetermined who would be partnered with who. Before they left class, Professor Choi handed them slips of paper which had a name and school email address on it.

  
“These will be your partners for your midterm assignment,” she announced. “The two departments are hoping to see originality and creativity. In your music career, whether you’re a producer, composer, or lyricist, you are going to have to cooperate with other artists who have a different set of skills than you have. Treat this project like a professional piece, because you will fail if you do not.”

  
On Jihoon’s slip of paper, there was the name “Kwon Soonyoung” and the person’s email address.

  
**********

  
Generally, Jihoon didn't tend to initiate social interactions. He was accustomed to waiting for the other person to approach him first, no matter how much he wanted to speak with that person. This time, he was genuinely intending to make the first move by emailing Soonyoung first, but the other seemed to beat him to it. When he went by the library after class, he already had a message from Soonyoung.

  
_"Hi, Jihoon!_

_  
I guess I'm your partner for the next three weeks. I thought we should get a start on this as soon as possible, seeing as we have such little time. I already have some ideas that I'd like to bounce off you. Let me know when you are free to meet! _

_  
– Soonyoung :)" _

  
Jihoon smiled to himself while reading Soonyoung's email in the back of the library. At least he knew his partner wasn't a procrastinator. This assignment suddenly felt ten times less difficult, because Jihoon knew he wouldn't be carrying the weight of two people the entire project. Hopefully, Soonyoung was as hardworking as Jihoon was, so their project could go well. He didn't hesitate to type out his reply.

  
_"Nice to meet you, Soonyoung!_

_  
I'm free to meet tonight at 6 in the West Courtyard if you're free. _

_  
– Jihoon" _

  
Truthfully, Jihoon had been planning on going into the studio to put the finishing touches on a piece he had been working on for recreation, but he understood how little time they had for such a scale of a project. Plus, he hadn't had the chance to meet many people since coming to Seoul. Of course, he was friends with his roommate and some of his roommate's friends, Joshua and Jeonghan, but this was a chance for him to branch out and meet friends on his own. He closed his laptop and walked down to the dining hall to meet Seungcheol for lunch. It was only noon, and Jihoon didn't expect an instant reply from Soonyoung.

  
********

  
At this point of their friendship, Jihoon should've better acknowledged that Seungcheol sees everything. He thinks it might have something to do with the fact that Seungcheol has so many siblings. Somehow, Seungcheol had this weird omniscience concerning all his friends' emotions. So, needless to say, the older noticed the instant change in Jihoon's disposition.

  
"What's got you so chipper?" he asked as if Jihoon was humming while picking out a piece of cake, which he definitely wasn't. Jihoon was just significantly less sulky than he was when he left their dorm room that morning. In fact, you might mistake him for someone who didn't want to slip into an endless coma.

  
"What do you mean?" Jihoon feigned ignorance, fishing his student ID out of his pocket. "I'm always like this."

  
"Bullshit!" Seungcheol declared, earning a glare from the cashier who was scanning his student ID. "You've been a living zombie for weeks. I thought that one guy down the hall might've been experimenting with voodoo again."

  
Jihoon rolled his eyes as the cashier took his ID card, though the statement did have some truth to it. Ever since that day in this very dining hall, Jihoon felt as if he might've died, and he was Hyunseok's undead puppet to do with what he pleased. This was his chance to do as he pleased, without Hyunseok's thumb pressing down on him. And, who knows? Maybe he and Soonyoung will have an enjoyable experience and create something so good the professor cries.

  
"Well, I'm alive, Cheol," Jihoon playfully chided, sending a sarcastic glare towards the other. Seungcheol missed this version of Jihoon—the one who always had something witty and snide to say.

  
"I hope it stays that way," the other hummed, sitting down at a table where Jeonghan was already waiting for them.

  
Before either of them could even say "hello," Jeonghan asked in a rush, "Did you guys see what the computer science majors made?" He whipped out his phone and displayed a website for them to see. It was titled "Seoul's Secrets." Jihoon was sure, whatever it meant, it was intended to be a play on words.

  
When both of them shook their heads, Jeonghan continued, "It's a forum for the students of this university. You can only access it through a school email. Students can post confessions anonymously or not, but it's kind of a war zone right now. It's quite frankly a gossip website, just for this university."

  
Jihoon's stomach lurched at the thought of his secret making it onto that platform. As per usual, nobody knew how to mind their own damn business and live their own lives. He made grabby hands at Jeonghan's phone, which was immediately handed over to him. Underneath the blue title, there was a like description which said, "a student-run website for Seoul University students to share their lives and make connections." And under that, there was a tiny disclaimer, "The creators of Seoul's Secrets are not in any way responsible for any content or defamation which may appear on this website." As pathetic as it was, that little note removed all responsibility for ruining anybody's lives from the developers' shoulders.

  
Seungcheol, who noticed Jihoon's discomfort, spoke up. "That's shameful," he said plainly. "They've made a website for students to play with other students lives and say horrible things about each other. I bet they don't even moderate it! They probably just want to watch the whole school burn down."

  
Silently, Jeonghan agreed, taking his phone back from Jihoon. "I just wanted to warn you guys," he murmured. "There's a lot of different things going around the university because of this website. I think a few students have left already, because they couldn't handle the accusations."

  
As he ate his noodles, Jihoon mentally prayed Hyunseok didn't know of the site's existence. He couldn't handle another four years of harassment.

  
**********

  
When Jihoon got to his next class, he checked his email and was pleased to find a reply which was sent ten minutes after Jihoon's.

  
_"Sounds good! I may be a little late because I don't get out of dance practice until 5:30, and I'll need to shower because you probably don't want to smell my B.O. But, I'll be there. How will I know who you are, though? The courtyard isn't always empty._

_  
– Soonyoung" _

  
It never dawned on Jihoon that he had no clue what Soonyoung looked like, nor did Soonyoung know what he looked like. Deep down, he had an overwhelming desire for Soonyoung to be handsome. He wanted Soonyoung to be the perfect man to pine after: attractive, hardworking, and polite. But, he had to kick that mindset, before he set himself up for disappointment. It was more than likely Soonyoung was straight, and Jihoon had no business falling for a straight man.

  
As for being recognized by Soonyoung, Jihoon didn't believe that would be hard. His height made him a very noticeable person.

  
_"Look for the short guy with round glasses and a striped shirt. I swear you can't miss me lol._

_  
– Jihoon" _

  
********

  
Jihoon ignored Seungcheol's inquests as to where he was going looking so nice. It wasn't as if Jihoon was dressed up, but his outfit was different than what he might wear on a standard day. Exchanging an oversized black hoodie for a black and white striped button-up shirt, Jihoon looked like any other man on campus might on any given casual day. Except he wasn't any man—he was Jihoon, who always looked snug and comfortable in his oversized clothes.

  
When he arrived at the courtyard, there were a handful of people scattered out on the grass and on the benches around the fountain. He took a seat at a smaller fountain on the far west side of the courtyard, which was shaded underneath a large tree. The benefit of this spot is its ability to overlook the rest of the courtyard, rather than being among the people in it. As he waited, he listened to the water behind him bubble and flow, feeling the most relaxed he had in over a month. At the east side of the courtyard, nearer to the school clock tower, Jihoon observed a man he had never seen before in ripped skinny jeans and what looked like might be a SHINee shirt. The man glanced around the courtyard, his eyes momentarily lingering over each and every person, until they found their objective. Upon seeing Jihoon and his striped-shirt, the man's eyes lit up and he broke out into a grin, sprinting across the courtyard to Jihoon's spot.

  
Admittedly, Soonyoung was pretty attractive, Jihoon couldn't deny that. He had a sharp jawline, yet soft cheeks which created an interesting contrast. His hair was jet black, which made the few silver ear piercings all the more noticeable. Whenever he grew closer, Jihoon could see a hint of eye makeup. And, he was definitely wearing a SHINee shirt which Jihoon noticed was an older one, upon further inspection. Anyway, he wouldn't mind spending the night in Soonyoung's dorm room, if the occasion ever arose.

  
"Are you Jihoon?" Soonyoung asked, still beaming. He'd probably still want to talk to him, even if he wasn't Jihoon.

  
"Yep," Jihoon grunts, trying to not seem too flustered by Soonyoung's presence.

  
"I'm Soonyoung," the other cooed. He was smiling so much that his eyes had disappeared from his face, and two little front teeth made an appearance from underneath his pink lips.

  
Before Jihoon could reply, the other pulled out a composition notebook and handed it over to Jihoon, almost giving him whiplash. Soonyoung looked at Jihoon expectedly as the short boy examined the notebook. "My hips don't lie" was written out on the cover.

  
“ _Oh my fucking god_ ,” Jihoon thought. “ _He’s cute_.”

  
Finally, he turned to the most recently used page, titled "Midterm Ideas." On the page, there were scribbles of notes accompanied by stick-figures doing tiny dance moves. Jihoon wasn't sure what they exactly mean, but he was sure Soonyoung would be more than willing to interpret.

  
"Those are some ideas, but we can do something else if you're already set on a certain style," Soonyoung explained quickly, not wanting to overwhelm his new partner. Soonyoung had finally taken a seat next to Jihoon, who had taken notice of how much of the other's thigh was revealed by torn jeans.

  
"I-I didn't really have anything particular in mind," Jihoon managed, then swallowed thickly. "I'm open to all kinds of music. I like making everything."

  
Soonyoung preened at this unspoken assent for him to explain his notes.

  
"Well, I was thinking about something cute. Everyone is going to want to do dramatic or sensual pieces, but cute pieces are way underrated. As long as we work hard and entertain our audience, we serve the purpose, right?"

  
Jihoon could do cute because he was nothing if not versatile. In fact, he didn't think he could handle watching Soonyoung do a sensual dance anyway. His decomposition would be tamped down to a minimum if Soonyoung did what he was suggesting.

  
"Yeah definitely," Jihoon agreed. "I think that would suit us."

  
Then, much to Jihoon's disbelief, Soonyoung cocked his head to the side like a puppy and simply asked, "Why?"

  
The look Jihoon gave him indicated the answer should've been blatantly obvious, and in Jihoon's mind, it kind of was.

  
"I'm basically the size of one of those miniature cats everyone loves so much, and you're a human hamster," Jihoon discerned as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

  
If Soonyoung took offense, he didn't show it. Instead, he just laughed loudly and threw his arm around Jihoon's shoulder.

  
"I think I'm going to like you, Lee Jihoon," he hummed.

  
Maybe, Jihoon was going to have a small crush after all.

  
***********

  
After several evenings of accompanying Jihoon to the studio room, Soonyoung proved himself to be the hard worker Jihoon had expected him to be. Their relationship immediately became a never-ending cycle of give and take, where Jihoon would give Soonyoung pieces of what he had done so far, Soonyoung would listen to it and plan choreography accordingly and then suggest more ideas to Jihoon. If Soonyoung wasn't in the production studio with Jihoon, he was in the dance studio working further on their project. Regularly, Jihoon would accompany his partner to the dance studio to watch Soonyoung's progress and give his own ideas. Jihoon quickly learned that Soonyoung was right...his hips didn't lie.

  
"Do you dance?" Soonyoung asked Jihoon one night, as he was toweling the sweat off his neck and collarbone. The choreography was going remarkably well, and Jihoon couldn't help but flush when Soonyoung would murmur his lyrics, "I adore you enough to get dizzy."

  
"I'm not good at it," Jihoon replied, hoping the conversation wouldn't go any further.

  
"That's not the question," Soonyoung said, crossing his arms and watching Jihoon with intent as he leaned against the mirror.

  
Jihoon would be lying if he said he didn't dance to girl groups when he was alone in his room. But, as far as dancing went, he was nothing compared to Soonyoung. Soonyoung was so talented that he deserved to have an entire stadium cheering for him.

  
"I dance to girl groups sometimes," Jihoon mumbled, hoping Soonyoung would drop the subject.   
"I'm sorry, you what?" the other gaped, staring at Jihoon with an unreadable look in his eye. This was it. Soonyoung was going to think that was effeminate and realize Jihoon's secret, then ask the professor to change his partner assignment. A good thing couldn't go on for too long. Before Jihoon could say anything to defend himself, Soonyoung was across the room, fiddling with the iPod hooked up to the speaker system.

  
"Do you prefer Twice or Girls Generation? Or maybe Blackpink? You seem like a Blackpink kind of guy."

  
It was one huge jumble, and Jihoon was having a difficult time comprehending it, but he knew Soonyoung wanted to see him dance. He may have avoided losing his partner, but he was about to have to dance for the guy he was prepared to fall head over heels for at any given moment. Before he could even give an answer, Abracadabra by Brown-Eyed Girls began playing. This was one of his favorite's in middle school before he was outed. Soonyoung stood patiently at the other end of the room, waiting for Jihoon to make his move.

  
And, he did.

  
At the far end of the room, Soonyoung watched with rapt attention as Jihoon swung his hips back and forth and twirling his fingers in a smug way. If Jihoon had been paying better attention, he would've noticed Soonyoung's breath hitch and his face turn a deeper shade of red than it already was from all the exercise. He really had no idea that he could have Soonyoung wrapped around his little finger if he wanted. When it was over, Jihoon felt more liberated than he had in his entire life. Soonyoung was standing there clapping for him, nobody was there to call him a girl, and the world hadn't fallen out from underneath his feet.

  
It finally felt as if Jihoon could exhale.

  
***********

  
Somehow, Jihoon still managed to occasionally find time to eat lunch with Seungcheol and Jeonghan, who were fully aware of Jihoon's overall change in attitude. They might've said it was scary if they weren't so relieved he no longer looked like a living corpse.

  
"Do you have a girlfriend or something?" Seungcheol dared to ask, as Jihoon hummed his and Soonyoung's song while picking out a drink. The question instantly made Jihoon stiffen and freeze.

  
"N-no! I'm just feeling well! Isn't a guy allowed to feel well?" Jihoon snapped, refusing to look the other in the eye. Seungcheol immediately backed off, sensing he was wandering into dangerous territory. He even raised his hands in mock surrender.

  
Jeonghan was waiting for them, as usual, but he was clutching on to his phone as if it had told him "2+2=5." Before he could stop himself, Jihoon's eyes rolled into the back of his head. Recently, Jeonghan stopped patrolling Seoul's Secrets for their sake and started doing it because he couldn't stop. He claimed the website was "addictive." Maybe this was true, but Jihoon wanted nothing to do with it. It was an evil place, where evil people stabbed each other in the back as if everyone was Julius Caesar.

  
"Did either of you see the post about the closeted kid?" Jeonghan asked, knowing full well neither of them had. They didn't use Seoul's Secrets. It seemed like both Seungcheol and Jeonghan were full of questions that made Jihoon want to crawl into a shell and never come out. His blood went cold and his ears deaf to the sounds of the dining hall. All he could hear were screams in his head about how he wasn't careful enough. His jaw clenched, and he stared at Jeonghan like a deer about to be hit by a car. If he had to, he would run out of this cafeteria, before the wolves could get him.

  
"You're still reading that garbage?" Seungcheol replied. "It's worse than tabloids that claim G-Dragon actually has a conjoined twin."

  
While the two were bickering, Jihoon brought it upon himself to check and make sure the post wasn't about him. He signed up with a school email and scrolled down to a post made by "Hoshi" at 12:47 last night.

  
_"Recently, life has been going pretty well for me. I'm making good grades in all my classes. I'm adjusting well to college life and making lots of friends. But...I think I made a big mistake. Just a few hours ago, I told this girl I started seeing at the beginning of the year that I'm bisexual. She called me a pervert and asked me if I was thinking of other guys when I was with her. I'm not even sure why I felt the need to tell her. Maybe, I thought I was being dishonest if I didn't. She won't talk to me anymore, and I'm worried she might tell other people. What do I do?"_

  
Audibly, Jihoon let out a sigh of relief that the post wasn't about him, but he felt bad for this "Hoshi." It must feel shitty to be rejected because of something like that. Hoshi couldn't magically make himself straight for this girl, so she should've been more understanding. At least, he was comfortable enough with her to come out to her. Jihoon hadn't felt that comfort since middle school.

  
He went over to Hoshi's profile page and found a personal email address. The website had a feature where you could hide your school email and substitute it for another. There was at least a little security in confessing your heart's deepest, darkest secrets. So, Jihoon typed out a message from his personal email to callmesoon@gmail.com

  
_"Dear Hoshi,_

_  
It's a shame she rejected you and made you feel this way, but if she can't accept you for who you are, maybe she wasn't worth your time? You didn't make a mistake. You put your heart on the line and asked another person to like you for something that is innately a part of who you are, which is incredibly brave. Now, you know she wasn't devoted to you anyway. As for her telling others, you can't control that, but your true friends would still stick by your side. _

_  
– Woozi" _

  
After letting out a breath he had been holding on to, Jihoon hit send, hoping his pitiful email could help Hoshi in some way.

  
**********

  
When Jihoon went to meet Soonyoung that afternoon, he seemed to be very thoughtful about something.

  
"Penny for your thoughts?" Jihoon implored softly, as he started up his music program.

  
Soonyoung just gave a slight grin and shrugged him off. In the end, Jihoon was perfectly unaware of Soonyoung's email from iwantitsimple@gmail.com

  
*******

  
Finally, Jihoon was able to check his email when he came back to the dorm around midnight.

  
" _Dear Woozi,_

_  
I appreciate your support, even though I don't even know who you are. Though, you sound like you have a lot of personal experience with this sort of situation. _

_  
– Hoshi." _

  
Jihoon wasn't even sure if he originally expected a response from Hoshi. His intention was to let Hoshi know someone understood, but he hadn't expected Hoshi to take his message seriously. Maybe, he was wise in the ways of being outed and humiliated. After checking over his shoulder to make sure Seungcheol was still asleep, he opened up his messages.

  
_"Dear Hoshi,_

_  
I guess one might say I do have a lot of experience. In high school, I was outed by someone who I thought I could trust. Those two little words—"I'm gay"—changed everything, but I still can't say I'm ashamed of them. Rather, I'm fearful of everyone's response to them like you are. _

_  
– Woozi" _

  
There was no explanation for why Jihoon felt the need to open up to Hoshi like this. Maybe, Hoshi's own vulnerability inspired his own exposure. More likely, It was because Jihoon didn't need to fear any repercussions, since they didn't know each other’s identities.

  
*********

  
As far as their assignment went, Jihoon and Soonyoung were in the home stretch. There were three days left to complete their project, three days left until their big performance. Their piece was solid and practically ready to go with a few minor tweaks and adjustments.

All this work and somehow, Jihoon still managed to find time to message Hoshi regularly. From what he knew so far, Hoshi was a freshman, like him. He was goofy when appropriate and serious when need be. He even shared Jihoon's music and anime tastes. Jihoon didn't even know who he was, but he already felt like he might be the ideal boyfriend.

  
But that was just what Jihoon needed...a boyfriend. Hyunseok would never let him live.

  
When feeling brave one night, Jihoon sent an email asking a more personal question. Except for the beginning few interactions, Jihoon and Hoshi didn’t discuss sexuality that often, but rather just everyday things, such as how their days went or what they thought of MAMA this year. Jihoon wasn’t sure if he was too afraid to talk about his sexuality, or if he was afraid to hear Hoshi talk about his, but the little voice in the back of his head wouldn’t leave him alone about it.

  
_“Hoshi,_

_  
How did you know you were bisexual? I’m just wondering. You don’t have to answer if it’s too personal. _

_  
– Woozi” _

  
Jihoon closed his laptop to go to the showers. When he came back 20 minutes later, there was a response.

  
_“Woozi,_

_  
If I tell you, will you tell me how you knew you were gay? _

_  
– Hoshi” _

  
Thoughtfully, Jihoon considered this for a moment. Someone had to know eventually. His experiences were meant to be shared, right? So, he responded with a simple “yes” that earned him another email.

  
_“Woozi,_

_  
I suppose it makes a lot of sense when I think about my childhood memories. I was the kid who wanted to hold other boys’ hands on the playground, but I also wanted attention from girls too. When I was growing up, I would watch television and find myself thinking embarrassing things about both the male and female actors. It didn’t really occur to me that I was attracted to men until I was 14. There was a convenience store a block from my apartment my friends and I would visit often. At night, there was clerk working who might’ve been in his early 20’s. He was one of the most handsome men I’ve ever met. I thought he might’ve secretly been an actor. Eventually, I started having dreams about this man at night, and I knew I wasn’t straight. I never told any of my friends about this, though. What about you, Woozi? What’s your story? I hope it’s more embarrassing than mine lol. _

_  
– Hoshi” _

  
Breath in. Breath out.

  
_“Hoshi,_

_  
When I was a kid, I got along well with girls, but only as a friend. I was particularly small at a young age, so girls in my class had a tendency to coo over me and tell me I was adorable. But when I got to middle school age, every boy in my class wanted a girl to notice him, except me. Girls were noticing me but as their cute friend. I realized I might’ve been attracted to men when I started wanting attention from a boy in a grade ahead of me. You have to understand, I’m not and I’ve never truly been the kind of person who wants anyone’s attention, but Hyung was always so nice to me and stood up for me when I was being picked on for my size. Well, one night, I was watching a western movie with my parents, and two men (with minor roles) in the film kissed. My mom immediately shut it off and went to bed, but that night, I laid in my bed and wondered what it might be like to do that with Hyung. Would his lips be soft? Would he put his hands on my face or my waist? And, I found I wasn’t entirely displeased with the idea of being kissed by a boy. _

_  
– Woozi” _

_  
_ Jihoon didn’t go into the fact that the older student was the reason he was outed.

  
*********

  
Their date to perform finally came, but Jihoon still wasn’t sure if he was ready. As he stood outside the auditorium doors with Soonyoung, he could feel his palms sweating and his heart beating in his ears. Their piece was more than complete, but Jihoon was still worried. What if nobody liked it? What if this song he had been working incredibly hard on was mercilessly rejected? Jihoon didn't think his heart could handle it. He might have to drop out of school from the shame.

  
“You look like you’re about to be sent into a war zone,” Soonyoung commented, grabbing Jihoon by the shoulders, forcing him to make eye contact. “Relax. Everything they say about you is true. You’re a brilliant producer. The song you made is professional grade stuff. You might want to sell it to an entertainment company someday.”

  
From the glimmer in his eye, Jihoon knew Soonyoung believed everything he was saying was true. At that very instant, Jihoon had a deep desire for Soonyoung to secretly be Hoshi. It was highly unlikely, but the way he and Soonyoung worked as a team made Jihoon feel empowered and supported.

  
So, he took Soonyoung’s advice. He took in a deep breath and tried to relax. Together, he and Soonyoung could put all other students to shame.

  
“Jihoon and Soonyoung,” Professor Choi called, poking her head through the double auditorium doors.

  
Soonyoung gave him a reassuring smile, and he returned it.

  
“You’re gonna do well too, Soonyoung,” Jihoon whispered. “You’re one of the most talented people I’ve ever met.”

  
With that, Soonyoung beamed as he entered the double doors and walked to the center of the stage. Jihoon entered after him, but he exited the stage to head towards the sound booth in the back of the auditorium. There were three professors waiting with clipboards in the auditorium seats.

  
“What is the title of your piece?” Professor Choi asked.

  
“Adore U,” Soonyoung recited dutifully.

  
They wrote the title down on their clipboards, then Professor Yoon announced, “You may begin when you are ready.”

  
Soonyoung took a deep breath, then looked to Jihoon in the sound booth who gave him and thumbs up and a wide smile. The intro to their track began to play, and Soonyoung began to move.   
Jihoon had seen this dance a thousand times from Soonyoung, but it was so different to watch him do it on stage. As he went through all the cute transitions and dance moves, he would do little pouts or have wide innocent eyes like a child. And, still, whenever he moved his lips along to Jihoon’s “I adore you” on the track, Jihoon would feel his heart in his throat. He wondered if Soonyoung knew Jihoon was thinking of him when he wrote those lyrics.

  
With the final, “I adore you,” Soonyoung looked Jihoon in the eye, causing the other to instantly heat up and pretend to busy himself with the soundboard.

  
The professors applauded loudly for them, but Jihoon wasn’t sure if they were supposed to. Soonyoung was still breathing hard and staring at Jihoon who was clapping as well. Then a moment later, he broke out into a huge smile and thanked the professors before exiting the stage. He immediately hurried towards the sound booth and pulled Jihoon into a hug.

  
“How was it?” he asked.

  
“Fantastic, but you’re all sweaty,” Jihoon groaned, pushing his friend off him. Soonyoung just continued on grinning widely. “Let’s go find a towel for you to wipe off with and some water.”

  
The other just obediently followed as they exited the auditorium. Thirty minutes later, Professor Kim came out of the auditorium to announce that scores would be posted on the auditorium doors. Soonyoung had to forcibly drag Jihoon to check their scores. What if they just happened to fail? He had his hands over his eyes, refusing to look.

  
“97!” Soonyoung called out. “We got a 97, Hoonie!”

  
Apparently, it was the best score in the class.

  
Just before they made to leave the building, Professor Yoon approached them.

  
"Thank you so much for doing something which wasn’t sexual, boys," she huffed. "You don't understand how tired I get of seeing 18-year-old freshmen attempting to do body rolls and seduce me. By the way, Jihoon, have you thought of joining a production company? I think you would do very well"

  
“I haven’t, but I will now,” Jihoon chirped.   



	3. In Your Dreams!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fair warning, there is slight sexual content in this chapter, but it's mostly implied and doesn't actually go anywhere. 
> 
> Once again, you guys would hate me and my comma usage if it weren't for my beta reader, Lauren. Kudos are so appreciated and mean a lot to me, so please don't forget to leave them. There will be chapter updates at least once a week.

Unfortunately, Jihoon's vacation was over before he could truly appreciate it. The weekend following midterms were his last moments of freedom, before he was, again, academically chained up by Hyunseok. Nothing was going to stop Jihoon from making the best of Saturday night. The plan was to go to a party thrown by upperclassmen to celebrate surviving through midterms. Soonyoung invited Jihoon to come with him and his friend, Wonwoo, a literature major.

  
Before he began to get ready for some dumb fraternity party he wouldn’t even go to if Soonyoung hadn’t invited him, Jihoon checked his messages real quick. If he spent any more time in his emails, he might say he was a little infatuated with Hoshi

  
_“Dear Woozi,_

_  
_ _Whatever your plans are, I hope you have a good time celebrating the end of midterms. You’ve been working hard, so you deserve to relax._

_  
_ _– Hoshi”_

_  
_ Thankfully, Seungcheol was down the hall in the showers, otherwise, he might’ve seen Jihoon bury his face to hide. Hoshi was the kind of person to say thoughtful things like this with no reason or warning whatsoever. These sort of things made it easy for Jihoon to pretend Hoshi might have an interest in him as well.

  
It dawned on Jihoon that the girl who gave Hoshi up was an absolute fool.

  
**********

  
They all decided to meet in front of the administration building which was at the center of campus. When Jihoon arrived, the sun had already gone down. Soonyoung and Wonwoo were waiting for him on the steps of the building. The former instantly perked up his head like a dog when Jihoon appeared.

  
“Ji!” he called out, bouncing off the steps to throw his arm around Jihoon’s shoulder.

  
“Are you gentlemen ready to party so hard, you’ll want to die tomorrow?” he asked very seriously, causing Jihoon to giggle a little bit. Soonyoung looked at him astounded.

  
“Oh my god...he giggled. Serious-man, Lee Jihoon giggled. You heard that, right, Wonwoo? And, I’m the reason why. I’m gonna tell my grandchildren this story,” Soonyoung theatrically proclaimed for an entire dead campus to hear.

  
“Shut up, Kwon Soonyoung,” Jihoon managed in his most monotone voice. It still didn’t throw Soonyoung off. He kept gushing about how he made Jihoon giggle all the way to the party.

  
*********

  
Jihoon wasn’t sure what he expected since this was clearly a _frat party_ , but he instantly despised it the moment he walked in the door. Everyone was loud, drunk, and stupid. Maybe, those were the secrets to being a happy college student, because everyone there seemed to enjoy themselves. He followed Soonyoung closely because he would rather eat an entire clump of dirt before being stranded in a sea of people on his own.

  
“Do you want something to drink?” Soonyoung asked when the three of them got to the kitchen. Jihoon wasn’t the type to drink, but Soonyoung was cracking open a beer, so he thought he could try to start now.

  
“Yeah, whatever is fine,” Jihoon responded. Suddenly, Soonyoung tossed him something from the bottom of the fridge. It was the same kind of beer his dad drank. Once in high school, Jihoon dared to smuggle one up to his room, because he heard alcohol makes you feel better about your shitty life. He hated the taste. Unsurprisingly, his dad bought cheaply made beer.

  
Before Jihoon could even open his, Soonyoung began chugging from his beer. Wonwoo was sipping on his and looking at Soonyoung as if he was an idiot. Maybe, he was. Jihoon would never notice because Soonyoung was the most important person in the world in his mind.

  
“Well, boys. What do we do no—” Soonyoung began but was interrupted.

  
“Lee Jihoon,” a voice said from the doorway. Jihoon knew that voice. That voice had demanded him to write down compositions for him so many times. Momentarily, he was conflicted between audibly groaning or running out of the kitchen. He chose the third option: stand very still and hope he would go away, like a T-Rex.

  
But, that didn’t happen. He walked right up to Jihoon and threw his arm around Jihoon’s shoulder. Jihoon could feel his skin crawling like bugs because of Hyunseok’s touch. Later, he might boil himself alive to get rid of the essence of the guy.

  
“Long time, no see, Jihoon,” Hyunseok said. “My GPA has sorely been missing you.”

  
“Who is this?” Soonyoung asked in a hard voice, eyeing Hyunseok’s arm. If Jihoon didn’t know any better, he might say Soonyoung sounded like he was jealous. Hyunseok turned his gaze towards Soonyoung as if he didn’t even know he was there before. Jihoon never noticed before, but Hyunseok truly looked like a snake when he spoke.

  
“I’m Hyunseok. Jihoon…” he paused momentarily, looking at Jihoon, “is my tutor. He’s been helping me in my music classes.”

  
The understatement made Jihoon’s stress-filled brain want to burst into laughter, but instead, he kept quiet and pushed Hyunseok’s arm off him.

  
“We’ll talk later, Hyunseok,” Jihoon said bitterly. “Don’t bother me, right now.”

  
Hyunseok looked very displeased. “Fine,” he spat. “I’ll leave you alone with your boyfriend or whatever.”

  
Instantly feeling his hands shaking with a mixture of anxiety and anger, he chanced a glance at Soonyoung, who looked like he wanted to push Hyunseok in front of a bus. Hyunseok left but didn’t miss the chance to bump into Jihoon with his shoulder as he went.

  
When Hyunseok was out of earshot, Soonyoung hissed through a clenched jaw. “Why do you help that guy? He seems like a jerk.”

  
“I don’t know,” Jihoon claimed simply.

  
**********

  
Until Soonyoung started doing shots, he was just fine. Before then, he only had two beers and was efficiently ignoring any anger he had about Hyunseok. Soonyoung wasn't a heavy drinker, but some upperclassmen had brought vodka. Once again, they ran into Hyunseok who bet Soonyoung he could drink him under the table. He could. Now, Jihoon and Wonwoo were trying their hardest to keep Soonyoung upright as they walked him to his dorm.

  
“You’re an idiot,” Wonwoo hissed, tempted to leave Soonyoung to sleep on a bench. “That guy was just baiting you. You didn’t have to take everything he said so personally.”

  
“He’s a jerk to our Jihoonie,” Soonyoung slurred. “I had to defeat that guy.”

  
“But, you didn’t,” Wonwoo pointed out. “You had four shots, then you vomited on his shoes.”

  
Soonyoung was snickering at this, causing Wonwoo to roll his eyes and “accidentally” jab his elbow into the other’s side.

  
“You’re being awfully quiet, Jihoon,” Wonwoo noticed. Right now, Jihoon wasn’t sure what he should say. He just watched Soonyoung, the guy he had been pining after, drink himself into oblivion because some guy was rude to him. Honestly, he didn’t need Soonyoung to defend him. And, he reeked of alcohol, but it was a sweet gesture nonetheless. Perhaps, Jihoon’s feelings weren’t so one-sided after all.

  
“I don’t have anything to say,” Jihoon drawled. “Except…don’t ever do something so stupid again. What if you had gotten alcohol poisoning?”

  
To the left of him, Soonyoung looked truly disappointed in himself. Jihoon felt like he kicked a puppy, but he wasn’t taking any of his words back.

  
“I’m s-s-sorry, Jihoonie,” Soonyoung managed. “It’s just that…what that guy said earlier…really pissed me off.”

  
“Which part?” Jihoon asked, fearing the worst.

  
“About us being boyfriends,” Soonyoung said more clearly than anything he had all night. Wonwoo stiffened on his left side, and Jihoon had begun to slightly shake on his right.

  
This was it. Soonyoung must’ve thought people like Jihoon were disgusting. There was a hollow feeling in Jihoon’s chest, and he couldn’t tell if he wanted to sob or yell. All this time they spent together and growing close to each other was a delusion because Soonyoung was going to despise Jihoon for something he couldn’t control. He felt sick for pining after Soonyoung and believing he might return Jihoon’s feelings. Pain was a constant in Jihoon’s life, but at that moment, it was unbearable for Jihoon, because he tricked himself into thinking he deserved to be happy.

  
Before Jihoon could run away, Soonyoung spoke again. “He acted like there would be something wrong with that. It annoyed me…that guys like him still act like it’s the 1950’s.”

  
It took Jihoon a moment to understand what Soonyoung was saying, but it was loud and clear. Soonyoung wouldn’t hate him because of who he was. Instead, he hated _people like Hyunseok_ who targeted those like Jihoon. Despite Jihoon’s sexuality, Soonyoung was on his side. They were still going to be a team.

  
“Soonyoung, maybe you should stop talking,” Wonwoo warned in his friend’s best interest.

  
“No, Wonwoo. I need to say this,” Soonyoung pouted like a petulant child. “There’s nothing wrong with being gay. Guys like that, who are jerks for no reason, don’t belong in this century.”

  
For a moment, Jihoon wondered if Soonyoung had somehow caught on to the fact he was gay. Or, maybe, Soonyoung was actually Hoshi after all.

  
“It doesn’t matter,” Jihoon mumbled. He just wanted this night to be over already because exhaustion and sluggishness were beginning to take over his boy.

  
Soonyoung opened his mouth to argue, but Wonwoo shot him a look and shook his head. The other took that as his official cue to shut up.

  
Jihoon was so relieved when the reached Soonyoung’s dorms because his arm was beginning to grow tired. He and Wonwoo somehow managed to get Soonyoung up the stairs to the second floor. When they were in front of his dorm room, Jihoon turned to Wonwoo.

  
“Can I have a minute alone with him, please?” Jihoon requested quietly.

  
Wonwoo nodded his head and headed for the stairwell at the end of the hall. When he was gone, Jihoon helped Soonyoung fish his keys out of his pocket and unlock his door. Jihoon intended to help Soonyoung with the door and speak out in the hall, but Soonyoung had other plans. With what little coordination he had, Soonyoung pulled Jihoon into his dorm room, shut the door, and turned on the light. It seemed his roommate was still out partying, like everyone on campus.

  
“I’m sorry if I upset you, Jihoonie,” Soonyoung said with drunken tears in his eyes. “You’re just so cute. I didn’t want that guy to pick on you.”

  
Jihoon had to quell the jump his heart gave from Soonyoung calling him “cute.” The man was drunk. He didn’t know what he was saying. Then, the idea that Soonyoung might be Hoshi popped into his head again.

  
“Soonyoung, is there anything you want to tell me?” Jihoon said patiently.

  
The other stared at him thoughtfully for a moment, occasionally glancing at Jihoon’s lips. And, Jihoon was well aware of this, but he chalked it up to Soonyoung being drunk. Most people will kiss anyone when they’re drunk.

  
“You’re so pretty, Jihoonie,” Soonyoung whispered in awe. “Anybody would be so lucky to have you.”

  
Jihoon’s face was as red as Soonyoung’s was from the alcohol.

  
“Is that all you want to say?” Jihoon asked hopefully, leaving many other questions unasked.

  
Sticking out his bottom lip, Soonyoung just nodded, his eyes unable to look Jihoon in the eye anymore. Jihoon cleared his throat.

  
“Well, I should be going now,” he decided, trying and failing to mask the disappointment in his voice. “I’ll see you later, Soonyoung.”

  
With that, Jihoon left the room to find Wonwoo leaning against the door across from Soonyoung’s.

  
“Should I ask what you talked about?” Wonwoo asked nervously.

  
Jihoon shook his head lightly. “Nothing worth mentioning,” he replied softly yet bitterly.

  
Wonwoo just nodded his head in understanding, before signaling for them to leave.

  
“What’s your dorm building?” he inquired.

  
“Memorial Hall,” Jihoon answered.

  
“Mine too,” Wonwoo claimed. “Let’s walk back together.”

  
As they walked home, there was an unspeakable awkward air between the two of them, as if they each knew something the other did not. Nobody spoke. Jihoon wasn't sure he wanted to hear what Wonwoo had to say anyway.

  
*************

  
Jihoon wasn't sure when it happened or why, but Soonyoung was in his room for some reason. The last thing he remembered was coming home to his dark dorm room, where a slumbering Seungcheol resided. Much like Soonyoung earlier, Seungcheol reeked of liquor. Jihoon did his best to ignore this and peeled off his clothing down to his t-shirt and boxers, before climbing into bed

  
But now, there was a lamp on, Seungcheol was nowhere to be found, he was fully clothed, and Soonyoung was sitting closely next to him on his bed. He was so close Jihoon could feel the warmth radiate against his outer thigh. The hooded gaze Soonyoung kept trained on Jihoon made him swallow thickly.

  
“What are you doing he-” Jihoon began to ask, before being interrupted by Soonyoung.

  
“Let’s not talk,” he purred, setting his hand on the bed next to the left side of Jihoon’s hip and closing him in. Soonyoung’s torso was twisted so their chests were inches away from each other. Jihoon’s breath was ragged, but somehow, Soonyoung was still composed. Only when Jihoon could feel Soonyoung’s soft breath on his face did he realize how close their lips were to each other. It was crazy, almost like a dream.

  
“You’re so pretty, Jihoonie,” Soonyoung whispered the exact same way he did earlier, and Jihoon’s heart skipped a beat.

  
There was no way Jihoon could’ve made the first move because he was too busy thinking about how surreal the whole situation was. So, Soonyoung leaned over and closed the distance between them, placing a very soft kiss on Jihoon’s lips. Jihoon had never kissed anybody before. Whatever Soonyoung was receiving from him must’ve sucked, but the other never showed it.

  
Instead, he kept kissing with his hand caressing his jaw. Originally, Jihoon kept his hands firmly clenched at his sides, but as the kiss continued, he brought one of them to rest on Soonyoung’s thigh. Eventually, the kisses became more than soft, as Soonyoung’s hands traveled from Jihoon’s jaw to his waist. Before Jihoon could even consider what was happening, his back was on the mattress because of how far Soonyoung was leaning into him.

  
The kiss broke, and there was Soonyoung, hovering over him and staring in awe. Somewhere in the middle of it all, Soonyoung’s knee slotted itself in between Jihoon’s thighs. Still, Jihoon could only lie on the bed and gape at Soonyoung. Nothing like this had ever happened to him in his entire life.

  
“Can I have you, Jihoon?” Soonyoung requested, lustfully. It was like a bad line from a drama, but somehow, Jihoon still wasn’t protesting. He nodded his head fervently. If there was anything Jihoon wanted more in his life, he couldn’t remember it.

  
Soonyoung’s hand began traveling along the outer lines of his body to the front of his jeans. With ease, Soonyoung popped the button and his hand began wandering its way into Jihoon’s boxers.

  
Suddenly, Jihoon jolted up in his bed. The room was completely dark, and Soonyoung was no longer there. Instead, Seungcheol was securely snuggled up in his bed across the room. Sweat drenched Jihoon’s clothes. His breath was ragged, also his heart was racing.

  
“It was just a dream,” Jihoon mumbled, low enough to not wake up Seungcheol. “A wet dream…”

  
Then, Jihoon was acutely aware of the mess in his boxers. He wanted to bang his head against the wall to punish his brain for having these thoughts without his permission. Thank god Seungcheol wasn’t awake. His roommate would give him a lecture about how this was a “normal human function” or some bullshit like that. Jihoon’s parents already gave him the “birds and bees” talk, so he didn’t need that humiliation from Seungcheol too.

  
Silently, he got out of bed, stripping out of his dirty boxers and trading them from clean ones. This was Seungcheol’s week to wash laundry, so Jihoon had to clean these himself. As quietly as he possibly could, he put on sweats and house shoes, then exited the dorm room. Nobody was out in the hall because it was 3 in the morning, according to Jihoon’s watch. More than likely, nobody would be in the bathroom either. Seeming as guilty as a criminal, Jihoon swiftly shuffled down the hall. He was in such a hurry to get there without being seen, he didn’t even notice Wonwoo coming from the stairwell near the bathrooms. In front of the bathroom doors, they nearly crashed into each other.

 

“Oh, I’m so sorry,” Wonwoo apologized frantically, but tiredly. “Jihoon? Are you alright?”

  
“Wonwoo?” the other asked dumbly. It didn’t make sense. Wonwoo said he lived a floor above him. “What are you doing all the way down here?”

  
“The bathroom on my floor was out of order,” he supplied, yawning. “You?”

  
As if struck by lighting, Jihoon suddenly realized he was still holding his dirty underwear where Wonwoo could clearly see. Wonwoo realized this too, observable by his dumbstruck look and wide eyes.

  
“Just going to the restroom, like you,” Jihoon lied meekly, somehow not feeling as if Wonwoo believed him.

  
“Uh-huh,” Wonwoo grunted skeptically. “Well…I’m gonna use the bathroom on the next floor. Good luck, Jihoon-ah.”

  
With that, Wonwoo exited as fast as he possibly could, leaving Jihoon to wallow in his own shame. While he was scrubbing his underwear in the bathroom, Jihoon kept thinking about how Wonwoo might tell Soonyoung. Would he realize it was because of him? Would he think Jihoon was a pervert or a teenage boy? Jihoon didn’t know which one was worse. He wanted to crawl into a hole and never come out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this and I still can't believe Jihoon did T H A T


	4. Soonyoung's Secret

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, I love my editor, Lauren. Please leave kudos and comments, so I can give you my eternal love. I'm working on a new SoonHoon fanfic, so hopefully that'll be up soon.

After what Jihoon started referring to as “the incident,” he began to actively avoid Soonyoung, though it wasn’t difficult because of his arrangement with Hyunseok. It would be too embarrassing to face the other, and Jihoon expected his face would be a dead giveaway of what thoughts he had been having about Soonyoung. This dream wasn’t a one-time occurrence. Seungcheol had started to grow suspicious about why Jihoon insisted on doing laundry now. 

But no matter how much Jihoon pretended this wasn’t happening, nothing came of it and not knowing what Soonyoung meant that night was eating him up inside. Obviously, he couldn’t talk to Soonyoung about it, nor Seungcheol, because he would, therefore, have to tell him about his sexuality. In the end, there was only one person he could turn to about this. 

“ _Hoshi,_

 _I’ve recently worked myself into a spot of trouble. This friend of mine said some things to make me believe he might be interested in me, and I started having_ certain _dreams about said friend. I have no clue what to do._

_– Woozi”_

The response was almost instantaneous.

“ _Woozi,_

_Are you having wet dreams about people who are not me? TT  I’m slightly hurt. Have you thought about just talking to this guy? It seems you may be making your life more difficult than it needs to be._

_– Hoshi”_

Jihoon scoffed. If it were that simple, he wouldn’t be asking Hoshi in the first place.

_“First of all, I don’t even know what you look like. How could I have dreams about you? Second of all, I can’t face him. It would be humiliating, considering I cream my pants any time he even looks at me in my dreams._

_– Woozi”_

Ten minutes later.

 _“That’s why I think we should meet soon. You don’t know what I look like, nor do I know what you look like. And, I don’t want some other guy to snatch you up before I can. Answer me honestly. Do you like this guy as well?_  

_– Hoshi”_

Jihoon’s heart began racing. He had been too wrapped up in idealizing Hoshi as Soonyoung that he never considered the possibility that they may be completely different people. The last thing he wanted to have to do was choose between the two. Besides, he wasn’t ready to leave the security anonymity provided him. If he met Hoshi in person and developed a romantic relationship, it would be impossible for him to ignore his sexuality. Knowing each other's real identities would make Jihoon more vulnerable than he had ever been before.

_“That’s not a good idea. I’m not ready for that kind of change. And I guess I do kind of like him, but I’m not even sure if he meant what he said. At the same time, I like you a lot too. It’s just that having you know both my sexuality and identity would open too many doors that I’m afraid to walk through._

_– Woozi”_

Five minutes later.

“ _I understand. But, just know this. You may not know my name or appearance, but you know who I am. I can’t control who you fall in love with, but I want you to remember that I cherish you._

_– Hoshi”_

Jihoon let out a low groan which caused other library patrons to glare at him. Now, by adding Hoshi into the mixture, his problems became even more complicated than they already were.

 

*********

 

They were well into November, as two weeks passed. Through those weeks, Jihoon hadn’t answered any of Soonyoung’s texts, nor did he speak to Soonyoung in person. In fact, when Jihoon spotted Soonyoung anywhere on campus, he would automatically go in the opposite direction. This hadn’t slipped past Soonyoung’s attention.

“I don’t understand it, Wonwoo,” Soonyoung sulked to his friend in the campus coffee shop. “Did something happen at the party that night?”

The reality was this: Soonyoung had gotten so drunk he couldn’t remember _anything_ past vomiting on the shoes of that rat bastard, Hyunseok. Maybe, he revealed too much to Jihoon, or maybe Jihoon heard his secret from someone else. If this was the case and Jihoon did know, Soonyoung knows he’s been rejected.

Wonwoo sighed, avoiding Soonyoung’s eyes. He hadn’t told the other about his running into Jihoon in the halls, because it didn’t seem like something for him to tell. “You said some...interesting things,” Wonwoo began. “Do you remember Hyunseok making the ‘boyfriend’ comment?”

Soonyoung nodded cautiously, feeling anxiety overtake him.

“Well,” Wonwoo explained. “On the way home, you started talking to Jihoon about how it was ok to be gay. You kept talking about how that guy was such a jerk.”

It was like driving past a car wreck and watching a body being pulled out of the demolished vehicle with the jaws of life. Soonyoung didn’t know if his friendship with Jihoon was dead because he couldn’t keep his big mouth shut. From that point on, he would never drink again.

“Do you think I told him about,” Soonyoung paused and looked around the shop, “ _it?”_

“I don’t know,” Wonwoo said tiredly. “When we got to your dorm, you and Jihoon went into your room _alone_ for a few minutes. You could have told him anything, but I wouldn’t know. Jihoon didn’t want to tell me either.”

His fate was sealed. He told Jihoon he was bisexual. Or worse, he made an unwanted advance on him. So now, Jihoon didn’t want anything to do with Soonyoung. In fact, he probably hated him.

“This is the worst,” Soonyoung groaned, burying his face into his arms on the table. He couldn’t stand himself. “I am the worst.”

“No, you’re not,” Wonwoo insisted, patting Soonyoung on the shoulder. “You made a drunken mistake. It could happen to anyone. I’ll talk to Jihoon for you.”

“Really?” Soonyoung looked up hopefully. It killed Wonwoo to see there were actually tears in the other’s eyes.

"Yeah,” Wonwoo smiled at Soonyoung. “And, if it’s because you _told him_ , then he’s an asshole, so you’re better off without him.”

 

**********

 

Honestly, Jihoon didn’t really have time to talk to Soonyoung anyway. Lately, Hyunseok had grown more aggressive with his demands, so Jihoon was always at his beck and call. He was surprised Hyunseok hadn’t commanded Jihoon to get on his hands and knees to bark because, at this point, he was practically Hyunseok’s dog. It was so shameful Jihoon constantly considered dropping out of college. His dad made a good living on a fishing boat in Busan. Maybe, Jihoon could do that instead.

He had just finished writing lyrics for Hyunseok’s composition piece and was about to go to the studio to work on his own piece. If anybody else listened to his music recently, they might say Jihoon was a ticking time bomb. Right now, he was a loaded gun, and nobody was safe.

When got to the steps of the music building, he found Wonwoo standing there. And, Jihoon wasn’t dumb. He could tell Wonwoo was waiting for him, but frankly, he didn’t care. Whatever bone Wonwoo had to pick with him, he didn’t have time for.

“I need to talk to you,” Wonwoo said coldly, blocking the stairs.

“I’m busy,” Jihoon growled lowly.

“This will take 5 minutes. I’m not letting you get out of this,” he replied in a hard voice.

“Fine. Whatever. What do you want, Wonwoo?” Jihoon spat at him. He knew his anger was misdirected, but everything he said came out like word-vomit. There was no stopping him. His stress levels had reached an all-time high, and he desperately wanted to push Hyunseok down some stairs. But, he couldn't. So, he was taking his irritation out on Wonwoo who happened to be in his way.

“Why do you keep avoiding Soonyoung?” he asks, crossing his arms.

With the mention of the name, Jihoon felt his temper rise, because Soonyoung had made his life frustrating and confusing.

“What’s it to you? Last I checked, I could do whatever the hell I wanted,” Jihoon snapped. People were beginning to stare, but Jihoon didn’t care. By pushing Wonwoo away, he was also going to push Soonyoung away. That was the last thing he wanted, but he didn’t know what else to do. He couldn’t lead a fairytale life with Soonyoung. It was never going to happen and Jihoon had to face that.

“You can,” Wonwoo started, trying and failing to keep his voice from raising. “But, that doesn’t excuse you being an asshole for no reason. Soonyoung is really upset because you won’t talk to him. He thinks he did something wrong.”

Something twisted in Jihoon’s stomach, then he felt an overwhelming sense of guilt. In the end, anything he would do would hurt Soonyoung, so he had to cut it off now.

“What are you? His lapdog?” Jihoon snarled indignantly.

“Maybe I am!” Wonwoo yelled. “So, you’re gonna go back to working yourself to death in the studio and pretending Soonyoung doesn’t exist? That’s not fair to Soonyoung. Do you even care about him?”

Finally, Jihoon released all the rage Hyunseok instilled in him. “You don’t even know me, Wonwoo. You don’t have the privilege of lecturing me about caring,” he barked, thinking of his high school memories. “When you care about people, all they do is make you regret it.”

The moment it came out, Jihoon regretted it. There was a tense pause.

“You’re right. I don’t know you, Jihoon. And I don’t want to,” Wonwoo responded with a stiff finality. “I don’t understand why Soonyoung likes you so much, because all you are is bitter and mean.”

Wonwoo left without another word, leaving Jihoon alone to be stared and pointed at by other students. After a second, he brushed off their whispers and went inside to the music studio. When he got inside a private room, he slid down against the door and began letting out heavy sobs. With his head cradled in his arms, his chest heaved as it all came out at once. Everything in his life was falling apart again. He took his chance to start over and destroyed it.

 

**************

 

There was a dull ache in Jihoon’s heart accompanied by a pounding headache that night. While he was getting ready for bed, he heard a notification from his laptop.

“ _Woozi,_

_I think one of my friends found out I’m bisexual, and now he’s ignoring me. It’s the worst because this guy was really special to me._

_– Hoshi”_

The world was full of jerks. Who was this guy, treating Hoshi like this? Jihoon would’ve liked to give this guy a piece of his mind.

_“Hoshi,_

_This guy sounds like an asshole. If he’s that much of a biphobic dick, then he’s not worth your time._

_– Woozi.”_

 

********

 

About mid-December, the dreams stopped happening. Jihoon could finally talk to Soonyoung again without it feeling weird. If he even wanted to talk to Jihoon, that is. There must’ve been some sort of irreparable damage from Jihoon’s conversation with Wonwoo, but Jihoon was going to try to mend it anyway.

Jihoon knew where Soonyoung would be this time of year, so close to finals. During this kind of stressful period, Soonyoung was the type to wake up at 5 in the morning and get to the studio at 6. So, Jihoon managed to do the same.

The whole campus was silent, except for the wind blowing as snowflakes fell to the ground. As Jihoon walked to the dance studio, he noticed fairy lights were strung around the tree trunks on campus. There were also pale-blue snowflake-shaped lights staked along the walkways. The first snow occurred the first week of December, and it was steady ever since.

Memories from midterm came flooding back when Jihoon entered the warm, dry building. All he wanted was to go back to that point in his life. The lights still flickered the same way, because the building was ancient.

He wiped his feet off on a mat then proceeded down the hall to Soonyoung’s favorite spot. It was the room at the very end of the hall. Soonyoung preferred that studio because it was more noise-proof than the rest of them.

There was slight pulsing music coming from the studio, and Jihoon could see Soonyoung from the glass window. He was so drenched in sweat that his bangs clung to his forehead, yet he was still one of the most beautiful people Jihoon had ever seen, even more so when he danced. When Soonyoung danced, he exuded a raw power nobody could even attempt to copy.

Soonyoung probably hated him, but he didn’t trudge through the snow at 6 in the morning for nothing. All the courage he had was put into simply knocking on the door. Startled, Soonyoung’s head whipped to the door, then he quickly paused his music before running to where Jihoon was patiently waiting.

When he opened the door, Soonyoung began to say, “I’m sorry! I’ll turn it down,” but he immediately held his tongue when he saw Jihoon standing there. Jihoon had never seen so many emotions at once: shock, hope, anger, apathy. Never had Soonyoung regarded Jihoon with such coldness, and it made him want to scream.

“What do you want?” Soonyoung asked stiffly. It was as if Jihoon was a stranger trying to sell him something on his front doorstep.

“We need to talk,” Jihoon determined. Though Soonyoung was trying to brush him off, he wasn’t going to give up.

Soonyoung huffed a laugh of disbelief and looked at Jihoon as if he was insane. “We need to talk?” he demanded incredulously. “No, Jihoon! We _needed_ to talk about two months ago. It’s a little too late now, don’t you think?”

“Listen, I know I was wrong for avoiding you,” Jihoon tried but was shot down.

" _Way_ wrong. Look, I get if I did something wrong that night, but you could’ve at least told me _what I did._ It drives me crazy, not knowing,” Soonyoung explains.

Jihoon had been so selfish. He never even considered how worried Soonyoung might have been. This entire time, Soonyoung was probably beating himself up over something he never even did, while Jihoon was ignoring him because he couldn’t keep it in his pants.

“You didn’t do anything wrong, Soonyoung,” he choked out, small tears gathering in his eyes.

“Then, why? Why do you keep away from me like I'm a disease?” Soonyoung interrogated with tears of his own to match Jihoon’s.

“I can’t tell you,” Jihoon mumbled. “But, you’re not a disease! It’s not because of you. It’s because of me.”

Soonyoung looked Jihoon over, unsure. “Have a nice life, Jihoon,” he stated finally, closing the door behind him.

Dejected, Jihoon went back to his dorm room. This was always meant to fail, so why did it hurt Jihoon so much?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is everybody properly suffering because of how obtuse Jihoon is?


	5. Wonwoo Doesn't Get Paid Enough For This

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic is making my editor suffer as well, because I am an evil little man. I swear we're getting to the love, slowly but surely. Please leave kudos and comments, because I, personally, eat them. By the way, I will be having my wisdom teeth removed on Wednesday, so unless I post chapter 6 tomorrow (which is unlikely, but possible), an update won't be up until at least Saturday. I will be too hopped up on drugs to form a coherent thought lmao.

Though Jihoon found leaving on bad terms with Soonyoung troublesome, he had no choice. His parents would surely never let Jihoon forget it if he refused to spend the holiday break with them. Besides, he heard from a mutual acquaintance Soonyoung was going home as well, so there was no point in sticking around.      

Jihoon wished he could say holidays with his parents would be relaxing, but it would be a total lie. They never outright insulted Jihoon to his face, but ever since they found out he was gay, they had been distant and tense towards him. It almost felt as if he was a stranger they were obligated to be polite to. Yet, they still managed to scrape together funds for Jihoon’s education, so his feelings were irrelevant. If he was outwardly upset towards them, he would be ungrateful, so he managed to bear through awkwardness with them. 

While waiting for his train, Jihoon checked his emails on his phone.

“ _Woozi,_

_I’ve got big news. During the break, I’ve decided I’m going to tell my parents I’m bi. They’ve always been supportive, so I’m not worried. Talking to you has made me realize my sexuality is an incredibly important part of my life, and I don’t want to hide it from them. Do your parents know? I’m curious._

_– Hoshi”_

The train pulled up to Jihoon’s platform, then he boarded. After his bag was tucked away and he was seated, he pulled out his phone again.

“ _Hoshi,_

_Congratulations! I’m really proud you’ve decided to take this step in your life. Tell me how it goes. And, yes. My parents do know. Thankfully, they haven’t disowned me, but I’m aware my being around them makes them uncomfortable. Somehow, I manage._

_– Woozi”_

Jihoon plugged in his phone to charge then took a nap on the way to Busan.

 

********

 

His parents were waiting to pick him up from the station when he arrived. Neither of them seemed very excited to see him, but he felt fine about that. If he got upset over every little thing they did, he would constantly be a mess. 

The drive was awkwardly silent and felt abnormally long, even though Jihoon’s childhood home was only 15 minutes away from the train station. Occasionally, his mom would lean over and whisper something to his dad as they passed all the homes and businesses of people they knew. Jihoon was just relieved to finally leave the car, though it wasn’t going to be much better inside the house.

Inside, Jihoon smelled food cooking on the stove in the kitchen. Upon further inspection, he realized it was curry. Jihoon hated curry.

As he was about to disappear to his old room, his mom called him into the dining room. The rest of their dinner was laid out on the table, and his father was patiently waiting. After a few awkward minutes of Jihoon’s dad asking how his studies were going, his mom came in with a pot of curry. The family said thanks and a prayer then started eating.

“So, Jihoon,” his mother started with uncertainty half-way through dinner. “Have you…uhm…met any…boys?”

Jihoon was astonished she managed to finish the question because she didn’t really want to ask. It was a polite conversation, and his mother could only think of the fact that he was gay. On the other side of the table, his dad almost choked on a clump of steamed rice. He promptly glared at his wife after he stopped coughing. 

“Not exactly,” Jihoon lied. Personally, he would rather drink toilet water than have to explain his situation with both Soonyoung and Hoshi to his parents. What a fit they would have if they knew he was romantically interested in not one, but _two_ boys. It would be too scandalous.  

“Good,” his father muttered. “You need to be focusing on school, not fooling around with boys.”

“Fooling around?” Jihoon repeated bitterly, slowing losing control. “It’s good to know that’s what you think of me, dad.”

Suddenly, he slammed his hand down on the table, startling Jihoon enough to back a few inches away from the table.

“I pay for you to get an education, not to consort with other perverts!” his dad snapped at Jihoon.

Refusing to cry in front of his father because he would never live it down, Jihoon got up from the table.

“Thanks for dinner,” he says through clenched teeth. “I’m going upstairs.”

Nobody stopped him. His mom looked like she wanted to but held her tongue when her husband turned his glare to her.

Surprisingly, Jihoon didn’t cry upstairs—rather, he collapsed onto the bed and screamed into a pillow. He wished he were with Soonyoung, Seungcheol, Hoshi, or literally anybody else on the planet besides his parents. Hoshi was the available option at that moment.

He opened his emails, and there was already one.

“ _Woozi,_

  _I told them! It went so well. My mom asked me if I was interested in any guys, and I told her I was. I’m sorry your parents suck so hard :(( If you need some better ones, I’m sure my mom would love you. How is it at home?_

_– Hoshi”_

A bitter jealousy wound through Jihoon’s veins like a snake. How was it decided which parents would be intolerant and which ones would be supportive? Jihoon wished his parents could be an ounce similar to Hoshi’s.

 “ _Hoshi,_

_That’s so great! I’m so happy for you. It’s not too bad here lol._

_– Woozi”_

At least, Hoshi was happy. Jihoon didn’t have the right to take that away from him.

 

**********

 

Despite the dinner fiasco, Jihoon’s parents insisted on him coming to a family friend’s holiday party. People would talk if Jihoon didn’t come, so his parents invited him to save face.

For most of the party, Jihoon sat quietly on the couch, snacking on cocktail weenies. In the other room, his parents and their friends were drinking and talking loudly. Some of his parents’ friends brought their grown children along as well, but that crowd was reminiscing about high school in another room.

After hours of solitude, a body wandered into the living room. It was the hyung Jihoon had told Hoshi about months ago. He began to slightly choke on his food as the guy approached.

“Hey, Jihoon. Still like weenies, I see,” he said smugly, trying to be playful with the other.

Jihoon did not receive this well.

“What do you want?” he chided coldly, glaring at his hyung.

“Are you still mad at me?” He laughed a little as if his ruining Jihoon’s life was a joke. “That was centuries ago. Why can’t you get over it?”

“YOU—” Jihoon began to yell, but lowered his voice into a hiss, “ruined my life. Do you know how much shit I had to put up with?!”

“You seem to be doing fine,” he blew Jihoon off then looked Jihoon over. “I see you’ve grown up as well.”

Jihoon squirmed under the other’s gaze. Certainly, he hadn’t grown any taller, but the baby fat had shed off his cheeks. He also started wearing a bit of eye makeup to look more attractive around Soonyoung, and it had become a slight habit. But, that was neither here nor there.

“Fuck off!” Jihoon bit out, storming away from his spot on the couch.

“You’re so cute when you’re mad, Jihoonie!” he called after him, just in time for Jihoon to catch it before he slammed the front door behind him.

In the cold night air, he stood, shaking with anger. He came with his parents, but he couldn’t stand to be in the same house with _him_ any longer. So, he began to walk home. His house was only five blocks away, and he had a coat to brave the winter winds.

 

*******

 

When he was safely in his old room, Jihoon resisted the urge to throw things by messaging Hoshi, the only person he could securely spill his guts to.

_"Hoshi,_

_I saw that hyung I told you about. He was acting so smug, even when he demolished my entire life. Ihatehimihatehimihatehim._

_– Woozi”_

His heart was beating wildly, and his fingers were shaking with every word. No longer trying to control himself, hot tears began pouring down his cheeks. Jihoon played with his sheets while waiting for Soonyoung to reply.

“ _Woozi,_

_Whoa! Whoa! Hold on! Please try to stop and breathe. Am I missing something? Can you start from the beginning? I want to make you feel better, but I have no clue what’s happening._

_– Hoshi.”_

Jihoon took Hoshi’s advice and took in a deep yet ragged breath.

“ _Y_ _ou remember that hyung I told you about? The one that made me realize I was gay?_

_– Woozi”_

Not a minute later, there was an affirmative response.

_“Well, I saw him at a family friend’s party tonight. I never told you the whole truth about him, but he was the reason I was outed. When we talked, he acted like what happened was no big deal, and I should just get over it. I want him to burn in hell. Why should I suffer because he cared so much about everyone’s opinion?_

_– Woozi”_

_“What do you mean?_

_– Hoshi”_

There was no reason for him to not divulge his secrets to Hoshi. To that point, Hoshi had shown nothing but kindness and compassion towards him. He had to trust Hoshi did not have intentions of hurting him.

_“Remember how I told you I thought about kissing that hyung? Well, as it turned out, he had thoughts of kissing me as well. We were alone together in a classroom one day. I told him I wanted to talk to him privately. I told him I had been having not-so-straight thoughts lately, then he told me he’d been having similar thoughts. Just as he leaned in to kiss me, other male students, friends of his, walked into the classroom. Before I could comprehend what was happening, hyung had pushed me away and was yelling at me. Yelling things like, ‘I don’t want to kiss you, homo,’ and ‘You’re disgusting.’ After that, he and his friends told the entire school I was a degenerate. He’s a coward who ruined my life because he didn’t want people to know the truth about him._

_– Woozi”_

Jihoon wished he knew what Hoshi looked like, so he could imagine a dumbstruck look of shock. Somehow, he kept thinking of Soonyoung’s shocked face in place of Hoshi’s. He had spilled his guts to Hoshi, and now all he could hope for was Hoshi to accept it.

“ _Uhhh…wow. I’m so sorry those things happened to you, Woozi. You deserve so much better, and that guy deserves to have the worst life. But, that’s not the way things are. Bad things happen to good people, and nobody knows why. Just remember that people love you, and not everybody is like that guy. I’ll always be here for you._

_– Love, Hoshi”_

Jihoon’s change in disposition must have been illegal because he suddenly felt like the luckiest person in the world. Hoshi was right. People did love him. Hoshi loved him. Seungcheol loved him. Maybe, Soonyoung loved him.

He couldn’t keep pushing away people who cared about him. He needed to make up with Soonyoung.

 

***********

 

The break felt like the longest three weeks of his life, but when he returned in January, he had a plan for how to return to Soonyoung’s good graces. The key was Wonwoo, who was his closest and _most reasonable_ friend.

During the evenings, Wonwoo worked shifts at the campus library. _Typical for a literature major,_ Jihoon thought.

The first week of school, Jihoon would keep hanging around the library until Wonwoo’s shift started. Until the Friday of that week, Jihoon chickened out of approaching the other every single time.

When Jihoon decided to strike, Wonwoo was returning library books to their proper shelves. The library was practically deserted because nobody wanted to spend their Friday night in the library.

He drew closer to Wonwoo through the towering bookshelves.

Wonwoo spoke first, not even looking away from the shelves. “I see you’ve finally decided to talk to me,” he said, matter-of-factly.

“What?” Jihoon replied dumbly.

“You’ve been stalking me every night this week,” the other teased.

Jihoon face heated up, and he immediately averted his eyes away from Wonwoo. “You noticed?” he murmured.

“It’s impossible not to,” Wonwoo laughed and smiled at him a little. Maybe, Wonwoo didn’t hate Jihoon that much. “What can I help you with? Do you need to find a book? Or…” he paused, giving Jihoon a shit-eating grin. “Maybe, you’ve finally come to your senses?”

“I have,” Jihoon answered, which seemed to satisfy Wonwoo. “I need you to talk to Soonyoung for me.”

 “Why don’t you talk to him yourself?” he asked, squatting down to shelf a book.

“Because,” Jihoon whispered in a low hiss. “He’ll actually _listen_ to you.”

Wonwoo pursed his lips and considered this a moment. Jihoon could tell it slightly stroked his ego, but he didn’t care. He needed Soonyoung back in his life.

“Ok, I’ll talk to Soonyoung. But,” he interrupted before Jihoon could become too excited, “you _have_ to tell me what happened in his room that night.”

Jihoon sighed and relented, “Fine, I’ll tell you.”

So, he explained how Soonyoung told him he was pretty and kept looking at his lips. Though it was difficult, he could only fully explain his situation with his attraction to Soonyoung, so he opened up to Wonwoo.

“And ever since then, I’ve been having these—” he paused and looked around, even though he knew full well nobody was around, “ _dreams,”_ he hissed.

He completely expected Wonwoo to be disgusted with Jihoon for having these thoughts about his friend, but these expectations were not met. Instead, Wonwoo desperately tried to stifle a snicker but failed, as it grew into a howling laugh.

“You’re telling me,” he managed between laughs. “You’ve been avoiding Soonyoung because you’ve been having wet dreams about him?! Oh, that is fucking _rich._ Is that why you were holding dirty underwear that night? I can’t wait to tell Soonyoung.”

Jihoon grabbed Wonwoo’s shoulder, shushing him. His face was bright red, but he still found it in him to glare at Wonwoo.

“You can’t tell him,” he wheezed. “Look, what with the dreams and Soonyoung almost kissing me, I’ve been really confused.”

“Like…about your sexuality?” Wonwoo questioned, quirking an eyebrow. “You’ve never thought about being with a man before?”

“No,” Jihoon lied. He wasn’t about to admit to Wonwoo he was a full-blown gay. “Can you understand why I avoided him?”

“Yeah,” Wonwoo sympathized. “I’ll talk to him for you.”

A huge weight was suddenly lightened on Jihoon’s heart.

 

************

 

Exactly a week later, Jihoon received a text from Soonyoung.

“ _I still kind of think you’re a jerk, but meet me at the West Courtyard at 8 o’clock tonight.”_

So, naturally, Jihoon arrived there at 7:30 and patiently waited for Soonyoung like he did that day in September. It dawned on him that he’d been wasting so much time away from Soonyoung. He’d never be able to get that time back.

Soonyoung came to the fountain at 7:45 and actually smiled at Jihoon when he saw him. As soon as they were in proximity of each other, Soonyoung gave Jihoon a light punch on the shoulder.

“You suck, Lee Jihoon,” he shouted without any real bite. “If you ever do that to me again, I will personally fist fight you.”

Then, Soonyoung mockingly put his fists up, which caused Jihoon to start giggling. It was a sound Soonyoung sorely missed.

When they both settled down, Jihoon spoke. “So, what did Wonwoo tell you?”

“Just that I called you pretty and almost kissed you, so it messed with your little brain. I guess I’m too sexy for my own good. I make guys question their own sexuality,” Soonyoung teased. Jihoon couldn’t believe he was speaking so bluntly in the courtyard of all places.

Jihoon was too nervous to say anything in response, so Soonyoung began again. “Don’t worry,” he assured. “We can pretend it never happened like we should’ve in the first place.”

Soonyoung’s smile afterward was clearly fake, but he was giving Jihoon an out. Actually, Jihoon didn’t want to pretend it never happened, but he also didn’t want it to change his relationship with Soonyoung.

“Let’s say ‘it happened,’ but we’re still friends,” Jihoon countered. “I don’t want this to change things between us.”

The other’s eyes looked slightly disappointed, but he agreed with a wide smile.

“Now, that’s settled,” Soonyoung said, stretching up from his seat on the fountain. “You have to buy me beef to compensate for my pain and suffering since October.”

They were friends again, but it still didn’t feel right to Jihoon. Deep down, he knew the nature of their relationship had already irreversibly changed, but he kept denying that change.


	6. Disappear Like Sand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprisingly, I managed to finish this chapter! This going to be my last update until Saturday, so y'all have to suffer while I'm having surgery. If you want to fight me, please leave comments and kudos!

“Uggghhh,” Soonyoung groaned loudly, cradling his head in his arms on the table in front of him. 

“Try being a little louder,” Wonwoo replied, still flipping through the pages of his textbook. “I don’t think they heard you in America.”

“I’ve been  _ friendzoned _ . This is the worst,” Soonyoung moaned, pouting towards his friend.

"What did you expect? For him to jump into your arms and let you carry him off in the sunset?” Wonwoo asked sarcastically, but rolled his eyes when he saw his friend seriously considering it. 

“Are you sure he told you he was confused about what happened that night?” the other asked, competing with (and winning over) Wonwoo’s studies. 

“Yes. And, I’m pretty sure he also likes you. I just want you two to fuck and get it over with. This is like a bad drama I’ve been forced to watch and unfortunately participate in,” Wonwoo said plainly, highlighting something in his book.

Soonyoung groaned for the hundredth time that day. “Why did you let me, a drunk person, go into a room alone with him?” he whined.

“How was I supposed to know you have a huge crush on him?” Wonwoo retorted. He let out a deep sigh, probably for the hundredth time that day as well. “First, we don’t even know for certain if Jihoon is attracted to men. I mean, I have my suspicions, but we don’t know that unless Jihoon tells us that himself. Second, even if Jihoon is attracted to men, he’s a very secretive person and won’t part with that secret easily. If you want to solve your problem, you need to win Jihoon’s trust.”

“By flirting with him?” Soonyoung asked dumbly which earned a head flick from Wonwoo. “Ow, that hurt!”

“Did I say to flirt with him? Do you ever listen to me? Have you ever noticed how Jihoon acts like a skittish animal? You have to prove you are not a threat to him,” Wonwoo explained as if it were plainly obvious for everyone to see.

“Why would he think I’m a threat? I’ve never had the intention of harming Jihoon,” the other expressed, genuinely confused.

“I know, but  _ he  _ doesn’t know that,” Wonwoo stressed. “How much do you know about Jihoon’s life before college?”

Soonyoung opened his mouth but quickly closed it and knitted his brows when he couldn’t come up with a good answer.

“Exactly,” Wonwoo pointed out. “Jihoon doesn’t seem like he trusts very many people, and I guarantee there’s a reason for that. Establish yourself as a good force in his life, and he’ll stop trying to push you away all the time.”

With that, Wonwoo got up from their desk and left Soonyoung alone in the library.  _ He should have become a psychology major _ , Soonyoung thought.

 

********

 

As a gesture of goodwill, Jihoon invited Soonyoung to eat lunch with him, Seungcheol, and Jeonghan. It was the first time his roommate met Soonyoung, even though he heard his name plenty from Jihoon. 

“Oooh, I finally get to meet your boy,” Seungcheol teased on the walk to the dining hall.

“He’s not my boy,” Jihoon barked with no real bite.

“Whatever you say, Jihoonie,” he hummed in response. “But, you talk about him like the sun shines out of his asshole. I better be impressed.”

“Oh my god. Please shut up,” Jihoon begged as he spotted Soonyoung waiting by the front door for them. His hair color was a metallic blue now. He must’ve done dyed it over the weekend. It looked nice, but Jihoon didn’t understand why he didn’t dye it during break instead.

Soonyoung’s face lit up when he looked up from his phone to see Jihoon and, by proxy, Seungcheol. He breathed out a greeting and stared at Jihoon in awe. Jihoon couldn’t believe this is what he missed out on for so long. For a minute, they both forgot Seungcheol was even there until he cleared his throat. 

“Soonyoung, this is Seungcheol, my roommate,” Jihoon introduced. “Seungcheol, this is Soonyoung.”

“It’s nice to finally meet you,” Seungcheol said politely, shaking Soonyoung’s hand. He shot a look at Jihoon then said, “Ji goes on and on about you all the time. It’s adorable.”

Jihoon’s face instantly heated up, and Seungcheol knew he was gonna be punished for this later, but he wanted to have his fun. “I’m like, ‘just marry him already,’” Seungcheol continued, ignoring Jihoon’s glare.

Before Soonyoung, whose face was as bright red as Jihoon’s, could comment, Jihoon interrupted and dragged the two of them into the building.

While Seungcheol was picking out a bag of chips on the other side of the cafeteria, Soonyoung leaned over and murmured to Jihoon, “he seems nice. I’ll definitely be asking for his number later, so he can tell me all about how much you adore me.”

_ Curse Seungcheol and his big brother qualities,  _ Jihoon thought.

Instead of commenting—because it was true, Jihoon  _ did  _ adore Soonyoung—he pulled out his ID card to pay but was stopped by Soonyoung. 

“Let me,” Soonyoung said. “You still owe me beef, so this’ll make me feel less bad when I pig out on barbeque with your money.”

Jihoon couldn’t protest because Soonyoung was already telling the cashier to put Jihoon’s meal on his card.

“Thank you,” Jihoon uttered sheepishly, trying to still his beating heart.

“Anytime.”

As was routine, Jeonghan was waiting at a table. The smug grin he had when presented with Soonyoung made Jihoon uneasy. Teasing from Seungcheol, he could have handled, but the two were relentless when they paired forces.

“Soonyoung?” Jeonghan asked, looking positively mischievous. Jihoon was beginning to regret inviting Soonyoung to meet Seungcheol and Jeonghan, the two closest people he had to older brothers.

In response, Soonyoung nodded his head very cutely, and it made Jihoon weak. He was so fucked for the other it wasn’t even funny.

Jeonghan looked like he was about to start the torture, but he cut himself off when Jihoon pleaded towards him with his eyes.

“It’s nice to meet you. Your hair color is really cool,” Jeonghan complimented.

Soonyoung thanked him as Seungcheol came to sit down.

“I’ve always wanted to dye my hair,” Jihoon mentioned.

“Why haven’t you?” Soonyoung asked.

“I knew my parents wouldn’t approve,” Jihoon shrugged.

“Well,” Jeonghan started. “That’s the good thing about college. There are no parents to tell you what to do you.”

“Yeah!” Soonyoung cheered, throwing his arm around Jihoon’s shoulder. “You should dye your hair, Hoonie. I would help you. You would look so cool with colored hair!”

After looking from Seungcheol to Jeonghan, Jihoon agreed. “Friday night?”

“It’s a date,” Soonyoung joked. Jihoon didn’t mind, because  _ Soonyoung was helping him dye his hair. _

 

********   
  


On Friday night, Soonyoung somehow managed to kick his roommate out for the night. 

_ What did he tell his roommate to get him to leave?  _ Jihoon wondered.

Earlier that week, Jihoon decided to dye his hair dark red. It wasn’t a crazy color but was still a big step for Jihoon. He used to think dying his hair would make him too girly, but he didn’t care about things like that anymore.

He hadn’t noticed all the boy and girl group posters last time he was in Soonyoung’s room, because he was too busy. There were towels spread out on the bed Jihoon assumed was Soonyoung’s

“Sit down on the bed,” Soonyoung directed while he was mixing something that smelled heavily of chemicals in a plastic bowl.

“What’s that?” Jihoon asked, peeking over the top of the bowl to find a pale blue mixture.

“Bleach,” Soonyoung claimed. “We have to make your hair lighter, because no color shows over black hair.”

Jihoon didn’t ask any more questions. He just let Soonyoung lean over him and use the brush to cover the length of Jihoon’s hair with bleach. It smelled bad and kind of stung, but having Soonyoung so close to him provided a nice distraction. Soonyoung’s hair looked so pretty, and Jihoon wanted to run his fingers through it. His lips looked plump, and Jihoon’s pretty sure he might’ve been wearing a lip tint. When he finally looked at his ears, Jihoon noticed a new helix piercing.

It took about 15 minutes for Soonyoung to cover all of Jihoon’s hair which was a lot less than Jihoon wished it would be. He could spend hours staring at Soonyoung.

“Alright. We’re gonna let this sit for an hour, then we’ll go wash it out,” Soonyoung announced, putting a panda shower cap over Jihoon’s head. He turned to his shelf of DVDS. “Do you want to watch something?”

Jihoon nodded his head.

“Do you like anime? I have all of Moonlight Angel,” he said.

“That’s my favorite,” Jihoon responded.

“Mine too,” Soonyoung breathed then smiled at him.

_ It’s also Hoshi’s favorite _ , Jihoon thought.

So, Soonyoung popped the DVD into his laptop, and they squeezed together on Soonyoung’s twin-sized bed. There were too many parts of Jihoon touching too many parts of Soonyoung, and he thought his soul might leave his body if Soonyoung starting squirming even a little bit.

They both sung along to the theme song. Though, Jihoon didn’t notice the look of adoration Soonyoung gave him while he was singing.

Before they knew it, an hour went by and they had to leave their comfy positions. They went down the hall to the bathrooms, where Soonyoung washed Jihoon’s hair out in the sink. When he raised his head, he started at himself in the mirror. His hair was blonde! It was so weird. Jihoon could barely believe it was him.

When they got back to Soonyoung’s room, the other rubbed Jihoon’s hair down with a towel before pulling out another mixture. This one was actually the hair dye.

Once again. Soonyoung got very close to him to get the dye in. The box said to wait 30 minutes, so they started another episode. After they washed out Jihoon’s hair for a second time, he decided he really didn’t want to go home. This was the closest thing to a sleepover Jihoon had ever had.

“Is your roommate gonna be out all night?” Jihoon asked, still drying off his hair with the towel. He was very impressed with how the color turned out, and he loved it. It was almost like there was a new version of him staring at him in the mirror.

“Yep,” Soonyoung replied, popping the p. “I have the entire room to myself tonight.”

“Can I stay and watching some movies with you? I’m having a lot of fun,” Jihoon murmured sheepishly.

Soonyoung looked ecstatic at the idea alone. “Hell yeah! I have both of the ‘Guardians of the Galaxy’ movies.”

Jihoon agreed to those movies, and they resumed their positions in Soonyoung’s bed. Except this time, Jihoon was closer to sitting on Soonyoung’s lap, and, at some point during the movie, Soonyoung’s arm came to snake around Jihoon’s waist. Neither of them commented on this.

In fact, both of them fell asleep like that.

 

********

 

Nobody initially said anything after they untangled from each other on Saturday morning. Until, Soonyoung shyly mentioned a rookie girl group would be playing in the main courtyard on Valentine’s Day. 

“Are you asking me to go with you?” Jihoon unintentionally wondered aloud.

“Yeah,” Soonyoung breathed.

“Sure,” Jihoon shrugged. “Sounds fun.”

After Jihoon left his dorm room, Soonyoung let out an inhuman squeal.

 

*********

 

Jihoon dreaded going home to his dorm because Seungcheol was unavoidably waiting for him. He was going to be a smug son-of-a-bitch about this. 

“I’m glad you’re still alive,” Seungcheol commented flippantly while browsing a magazine on his bed. “Did you have fun?”

Instead of answering, he approached Seungcheol’s spot and cleared his throat to get the other’s attention. Seungcheol looked up from his magazine and made a noise of approval.

“It looks really good on you, Ji,” he complimented, offering Jihoon a small smile. It was obvious he wanted to ask many more question about his night with Soonyoung, but he didn’t.

“Oh,” Seungcheol gasped, as if he suddenly remembered something. “Jeonghan wanted me to ask you what you were doing on Valentine’s Day? The choir is hosting a party, and he needs some extra help.”

From his side of the room, Jihoon silently winced.  _ Now, he had to tell Seungcheol he was spending Valentine’s Day with Soonyoung? _ This day could not get any more embarrassing. 

“I have plans,” Jihoon responded simply, praying Seungcheol wouldn’t ask any more questions.

“With who?” Seungcheol was suddenly interested, tossing his forgotten magazine away on to the floor. 

Jihoon bit his lip and screwed his eyes shut. “Soonyoung,” he mumbled quietly, but Seungcheol definitely caught it. His roommate probably thought it was weird for Jihoon to be spending Valentine’s Day with another guy. Now, he’d have to go through the trouble of finding another one.

“Ooooh,” Seungcheol cooed at him, as if he just told him he held Soonyoung’s hand on the playground. “What are you guys doing?”

Seungcheol wasn’t disgusted, and it made Jihoon’s head want to spin 360 degrees. “There’s a rookie group playing in the main courtyard. We’re going to go see them together,” he answered cautiously.

“A rookie group? On Valentine’s Day? Really?” Seungcheol seemed disbelieving. “It must suck for them to have to perform on that day. Girl or boy group?”

“Girl group.”

“That’s cool. Have fun, Jihoonie,” Seungcheol remarked. There was no anger or revulsion anywhere in Seungcheol’s tone. Jihoon’s heart could stop beating so wildly.

 

********

 

On Valentine’s Day, Jihoon must have changed his outfit at least three times before Soonyoung came to pick him up. Normally, he didn’t care about his appearance, but this was different. It was a night out with  _ Soonyoung _ . He wanted it to be special, at least for him. 

Finally, he settled on a hoodie he borrowed from Soonyoung last time he was at his dorm room. The temperature had suddenly dropped that morning, and Jihoon had not brought anything warm to wear, so Soonyoung sent him off with one of his jackets. Paired with a t-shirt and black jeans, Jihoon looked as comfortable as he usually did.

When he heard a knock on the door and answered, Soonyoung stood there waiting with a huge goofy grin plastered on his face. Jihoon’s heart fluttered. He wanted to throw himself into Soonyoung’s arms and never leave. Soonyoung was so sweet, and Jihoon kept finding it harder and harder to ignore his feelings for him.

As Soonyoung was gesturing for them to leave, Jihoon noticed a quilt underneath the other’s arms.

They made idle chat as they walked towards the courtyard. Jihoon asked Soonyoung how his classes were going and vice versa. Soonyoung mentioned to Jihoon he was working on a new choreography project if Jihoon wanted to stop by and see it sometime, which he was definitely going to do. Then, Jihoon described one of his new piece’s to the other.

The atmosphere was gentle and carefree. Jihoon had forgotten how easy it was to talk to Soonyoung, and he soaked in the peacefulness of it all.

When they arrived at the courtyard, the show was about to start, as indicated by the girls taking their positions onstage. Everyone was sitting in the grass, so they decided to follow suit by choosing a seat where people were sparse, farther back from the stage. Soonyoung spread his quilt out on a patch of grass underneath a small tree.

The girls were the cutesy bubblegum type, but Jihoon was still enjoying it. As was Soonyoung, because he was bobbing his head cutely and mouthing along to the catchy choruses. In fact, Soonyoung even picked up on their dances quickly, dancing along in tiny movements while still seated. It was so cute Jihoon started to snicker, unable to keep a smile from his face.

Soonyoung noticed this and smiled back at Jihoon, then started to sing along and dance again while staring at Jihoon. At that point, Jihoon realized deep down in his heart he was pretty in love with Soonyoung.

Throughout the performance, Jihoon and Soonyoung kept scooting closer and closer to each other, until their thighs were touching. Occasionally, Soonyoung’s pinkie would stick out and graze Jihoon’s hand, as if he desperately  _ wanted _ to touch it.

Too quickly, the show ended. The artists bowed and thanked the audience then exited the stage. Everyone was packing up to leave. Jihoon didn’t want this night to end.

“Do you want to go get that beef you keep bothering me about?” Jihoon asked hopefully.

If Soonyoung smiled any brighter when he agreed, Jihoon would have been blind by now.

They took a bus away from campus into Seoul. It wasn’t often Jihoon actually left to explore the city, because he didn’t have anywhere in particular to go. Soonyoung recommended a restaurant his older sister always ate at when she came to Seoul.

On the bus ride there, Soonyoung kept brushing his hand against Jihoon’s, but now, Jihoon was joining in and playing footsie with Soonyoung.

During dinner, they discussed the performance, while Soonyoung pigged out on beef.

“Those girls were almost as cute as you,” Soonyoung commented, causing Jihoon to wildly blush and duck his head, eyes trained on his food.

Jihoon paid the bill, and they walked down the street to the bus stop. It was around midnight, so nobody was out in this neighborhood. It was more of a residential area, so everyone was most likely tucked into bed.

As they stood underneath the yellow streetlight, Jihoon felt as if he and Soonyoung were the only two people in the world. He couldn’t stop staring at the other, wondering how he was still so amazing even after inhaling barbeque like there was no tomorrow. It must have been infatuation making Jihoon feel this way, because there was simply no other explanation.

_ Except for love, _ that annoying voice in his head rung out, which he promptly squashed.

Then, Soonyoung turned to Jihoon, realizing the other was staring at him. He looked at Jihoon the way some people look at the moon, like he was deserving of awe. Slowly, they inched closer and closer to each other, and Jihoon couldn’t stop himself from being drawn in.

Like  _ that night _ , Soonyoung’s eyes kept flicking to Jihoon’s lips, except Soonyoung was completely sober this time. Before Jihoon could comprehend it, Soonyoung’s fingers were sofly grazing his jaw, as if Jihoon would suddenly blow away like sand in the wind if Soonyoung touched anymore.

When Soonyoung was sure Jihoon wasn’t disappearing, his hands firmly yet gently caressed Jihoon’s jaw. Jihoon chanced one last look up at Soonyoung’s eyes before the kiss he knew was inevitable. They were sparkling with a deep fondness that Jihoon had never seen anybody direct towards him before.

Finally, Soonyoung closed the space between them, bringing his lips to meet Jihoon’s. It was soft, like Soonyoung was testing the waters. Though Jihoon didn’t have an experience, he quickly figured out how to mimic what Soonyoung was doing. It was exactly how Jihoon expected his first kiss to be.

After a few seconds, Soonyoung deepened the kiss which was still gentle, yet slightly hungrier than before. Soonyoung didn’t know if he was ever going to get this chance again, so he drew out every single moment he possibly could.

When they finally separated, Jihoon was breathing heavily from sheer excitement, and Soonyoung’s pupils were blown wide. If Jihoon could have this all the time, he would be the happiest person on the planet.

Soon, he came down from his high, then guilt twisted in his gut like a snake. Suddenly, Hoshi popped into his mind. Was this cheating? Whatever he had with Hoshi was certainly more than friends. This felt like a betrayal to him.

Before Soonyoung could speak, Jihoon apologized. “I’m sorry, Soonyoung. I’m seeing someone else.”

At that moment, Soonyoung visibly deflated, cast down his tearful eyes, and murmured “I understand.” Nobody said anything further. The bus ride was the longest hell of Jihoon’s entire life.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was my editor's actual response after reading this chapter:
> 
> "FUCK YOUUUU
> 
> I'm angry >:(("
> 
> Love you, Lu!!


	7. Love, Hoshi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the final chapter, then there will be an epilogue. I wrote most of this hopped up on painkillers, and my editor thought it was my best chapter. Please leave kudos and comments if you think I can write well, even on drugs.

“Oh my fucking goddddd,” Soonyoung groaned, once again contemplating his life choices in the library. This time Wonwoo actually looked up from his book to listen to his troubled friend. 

“Did you have any idea Jihoon was dating someone?” Wonwoo asked, unable to mask the concern in his voice. This rollercoaster of emotions between Jihoon and Soonyoung was starting to get ridiculous, and Wonwoo was so tired. 

“None at all,” Soonyoung mumbled. These days he was always miserable and wore a scowl to remind everyone. “He never said anything, never gave any hints. In fact, he practically sat in my lap while we were watching movies in my dorm! He let me fucking  _ hold him! _ I don’t know what to do anymore, Wonwoo.”

“Maybe,” Wonwoo offered gently, trying his best not to upset his friend, “you need to give up on the idea of Jihoon falling in love with you. I know you love him, but it doesn’t seem like those feelings are ever going to be returned. Treat Jihoon like you would any of your other friends because he’s made it clear that’s all you two are.”

Soonyoung sighed deeply, fighting tears in the library. His heart ached to admit to himself Wonwoo was right, and he told the other as much. After Soonyoung composed himself, for the most part, Wonwoo offered to buy him a cup of coffee.

As they were gathering their things, Soonyoung wondered out loud, “who could it possibly be?” 

And, Wonwoo immediately understood what he meant. “It’s kind of weird, isn’t it?” Wonwoo mused. “I never see Jihoon with anybody but you and Seungcheol.”

“It can’t be Seungcheol,” Soonyoung stated. “Jihoon talks about Seungcheol like he’s his older brother. It has to be someone we’ve never met.”

Distantly in the back of his head, Soonyoung started thinking about Woozi and how alike he was to Jihoon. 

 

**********

 

The two didn’t stop being friends, far from it. In fact, they continued talking to each as if nothing ever happened, which secretly drove both of them nuts. The only difference was Soonyoung was more distant towards Jihoon. He didn’t indulge himself in all those little touches and glances he used to when he thought Jihoon could be his. 

Every time Soonyoung would ignore the opportunity to tease Jihoon and call him cute, Jihoon would feel a deep burning regret festering in his veins. He could have had Soonyoung, yet he threw away his chance. But, he simply couldn’t part with Hoshi either. It was all so frustrating for Jihoon. 

The cherry on Jihoon’s shit cake was Professor Seo asking him to come by her office after class. Her disposition was so serious he knew the conversation wasn’t going to be about the weather. 

“Have a seat, Jihoon,” she said, gesturing him to a chair in front of her desk. Nervously, Jihoon did as instructed. 

She cleared her throat and looked at Jihoon with uncertainty. “I’ve noticed a sudden _ change _ in Hyunseok’s style of composition. Now, it is much similar to yours. Would you care to explain?”

Immediately, Jihoon tensed. He was caught in his lie. Usually, he did Hyunseok’s work very differently from his form, but he must’ve become careless. Lately, all he could think about was Soonyoung and his kiss. 

But, he couldn’t bring himself to speak. If Hyunseok started sinking, he would surely pull Jihoon down with him. 

Professor Seo sighed and rubbed her eyes, then spoke gently. “I like you, Jihoon. You are an excellent musician. I don’t think you are the type to cheat, so I detect foul play. If you can tell me why you are doing this for Hyunseok, I’ll do my best to get you out of it.”

Telling a professor was what he should’ve done right after Hyunseok threatened him, but he used to be so chicken-shit. Of course, he was still scared of everyone knowing his sexuality, but having friends like Soonyoung and Hoshi made him feel a little braver. He had an opportunity out, and he was going to take it. 

“Hyunseok has been…blackmailing me, Professor,” Jihoon managed, not even shaking as he said it. She was patiently waiting and staring at him with sympathizing eyes. “He found out I was…” Jihoon paused, gathering himself to finally say it out loud to someone else, “gay.”

“Ah,” she made a hum of acknowledgment. “I see. How long has this been going on?”

“Since September,” Jihoon responded dutifully. 

“It must have been incredibly difficult for you, Jihoon,” she comforted gently. “I want you to know all kinds of people are welcome on this campus. Nobody has the right to manipulate you because of who you are.”

Jihoon nodded, ducking his head in shame. He’s been living like Hyunseok’s animal and all because he was a coward. 

“Since this is still cheating, it puts you in a tricky spot,” she clarified. “ _ But,  _ I’m going to appeal to the school board and attempt to get you off punishment-free.” She grabbed a book from the shelf behind her and began shuffling through the pages. “I’m pretty sure blackmailing is against school policy,” she mumbled. 

“Thank you so much, Professor Seo,” Jihoon stated. “This has been taking a huge toll on my life.”

“I understand, Jihoon,” she spoke softly, almost motherly. “I’ll get this straightened out, be rest assured. If it’s the last thing I do, I’m going to have Hyunseok disciplined for this.”

As Jihoon bowed and began to exit, she commented and gestured to his hair, “That’s a nice color on you. I like that very much.”

 

*******

 

The moment Jihoon had been dreading came on the following Saturday evening, as he and Soonyoung were eating together in the dining hall. He was silently sipping on his stew, listening to Soonyoung explain this story about how some guy’s sweatpants fell down during practice. 

“I’m seriously going to need to bleach my eyes, now,” he joked. And while Jihoon was laughing, he spotted Hyunseok across the hall, looking from table to table like a rabid dog. Jihoon knew exactly who he was looking for. His smile immediately fell off his face and was replaced by a look of panic, causing Soonyoung to fret. 

“Ji? What’s wrong, Hoonie?” Soonyoung worried. 

Then, Hyunseok found his target. 

“We need to leave,” Jihoon rushed, his voice shaking. “Now! We need to leave now!” Quickly, Jihoon began to gather their trash. 

Soonyoung glanced at the spot Jihoon had been staring at before and found Hyunseok pushing his way towards them. There was a look of murder in his eyes, and Soonyoung instantly went into defense mode and helped Jihoon with the trash. 

But, they weren’t fast enough. Hyunseok grabbed Jihoon’s arm roughly as he was walking towards the trash can with Soonyoung in tow. Instantly, Soonyoung pushed Hyunseok off the other. 

“Get the fuck away from him,” Soonyoung shouted, causing people in the hall to turn their heads and look at the conflict arising. “What the fuck is your problem?”

But Hyunseok refused to reply to Soonyoung, instead, he started barking at Jihoon. “You little fucking rat! I’m going to fucking kill you! You deserve to die!”

Soonyoung firmly put himself between Jihoon and Hyunseok, glaring at the latter with his jaw and fist clenched. 

“Go the fuck away, Hyunseok!” Jihoon yelled right back at him, feeling more secure with Soonyoung in between them. 

“I’m on academic probation because of you, you disgusting rat!” he snapped, motioning to try to attack Jihoon again. Soonyoung once more pushed Hyunseok away, slowly losing his patience. 

“I’m going to tell everyone your fucking secret! Then, everyone will know how repulsive you are,” Hyunseok hissed.

“Go ahead! Tell fucking  _ everyone,  _ Hyunseok! I don’t give a shit anymore. I’m tired of you running my life and being constantly miserable because of it,” Jihoon thundered. 

“Tell everyone what?” Soonyoung asked, genuinely confused. 

“Oh, you didn’t know?” Hyunseok laughed maniacally. “Your little bestie there is a filthy homo! Be careful or he might try to jump your bones and give you some kind of disease.”

Soonyoung’s eyes widened to the size of saucer dishes. Not because of Jihoon being gay, but because Hyunseok shouted it for the whole cafeteria to hear. He turned his head to look at Jihoon, who was ducking his head to avoid eye contact. It almost looked as if Jihoon was going to begin bawling right there in the cafeteria. 

Before Soonyoung could say anything to his precious friend, Jihoon mumbled, “I need to go,” and ran off

Then, Soonyoung turned to Hyunseok and shot him a look that could make the militant dictator crumble. “So, Jihoon wasn’t tutoring you? You were using him and making him cheat for you?” he seethed. “There’s a special spot in hell for people like you, Hyunseok. I hope the world strikes you down because you are pathetic.”

Hyunseok stood there, mouth wide open in shock and anger. Soonyoung turned around to the rest of the staring dining hall. “What are you all looking at?” he snapped. “Mind your own damn business!” 

He stormed out the way Jihoon went.

 

**********

 

Jihoon locked himself in his room that night, awaiting the inevitable post on Seoul’s Secrets. He didn’t dare look though. Looking would make this situation reality, instead of some horror story Jihoon was watching from afar. 

It came at 8:42 that night. Seungcheol knocked on the door. 

“It’s Cheol, and I’m here with Jeonghan. Let me in, Ji,” he said gently and patiently. He had seen Hyunseok’s post, Jihoon knew it. “I want to talk to you. Are you okay?”

After hearing the concern in his friend’s voice, Jihoon got up to answer the door. The minute he opened it, Jeonghan pulled him into a tight hug. 

“I’m so sorry, kiddo,” he apologized solemnly. “I reported the post immediately. The developers are going to take it down.”

“Doesn’t matter,” Jihoon sniffled, his voice hoarse from crying. “Everybody’s probably seen it by now.”

He padded back to his bed, collapsing down and feeling hot tears begin to come up again. “Can I see the post?” Jihoon finally asked meekly.

The other two sat down next to Jihoon, squishing him in the middle of them. Jeonghan pulled out his phone and did some tapping then handed the phone to Jihoon. 

_ “I have an important announcement. Ladies and gentleman of Seoul University, Lee Jihoon, the music major, is a huge fag. He loves boys, so watch out in the public showers, men. Or, he might just give you AIDs. If you’re also a sicko pervert who enjoys anal like Lee Jihoon then feel free to contact him, because he’ll bark like a dog for any man who glances twice at him. _

_ – Anonymous.” _

Attached was a picture of Jihoon at one of the music department’s luncheons. He looked so happy, holding a cup of punch and talking to Professor Kim about his new lyrics. She had been so pleased with them, and Jihoon was proud of them. 

The picture was included so everyone knew who to properly target. Hyunseok probably wanted all the other students at Seoul University to mob together to beat and lynch Jihoon.

It was harsh but exactly what Jihoon expected from someone like Hyunseok. Jihoon had been spoken about like this before, but it especially hurt now. Now, Jihoon knew for a fact some people considered him subhuman for who he was, and it burned like hell. It felt like someone injected poison into his veins just to watch him die a slow, painful death.

“Is it true? Are you gay, Jihoon?” Seungcheol inquired patiently, rubbing the other’s shoulder. 

Jihoon could only nod in response. It felt like he was thrown into a burning fire, but he could no longer hide. Even if Hyunseok was set on ruining his life, Jihoon refused to hide any longer. It was so tiring to keep lying this way. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Seungcheol continued softly.    
  
“I was scared,” Jihoon explained. “You’ve seen what some people think of  _ people like me _ because of that post alone. This happened in high school too, and I just wanted to escape from it.”

“You never have to be scared of me, Ji,” Seungcheol comforted. “You’re like a little brother to me. Jeonghan would say the same thing.” Jihoon turned to his right, and the other was nodding. “You know we love you, right? _I love you_ _no matter what_. I never want to see you hurt, and I would do anything to make this go away.”

The look in Seungcheol’s eye was so sincere. Jihoon’s lip started to quiver, and he threw his arms around Seungcheol’s neck, pulling the other into a hug. 

“Thank you so much, Cheol,” Jihoon sniffled into his friend’s neck

“Anytime, Hoonie,” Seungcheol replied. He pulled away to look Jihoon in the eye with a stern look. “And, if anyone even  _ thinks _ about messing with you, they’ll have to answer to me.”

 

********

 

For the next three days, Jihoon refused to leave the dorm room. Seungcheol would bring him meals, which Jihoon wouldn’t eat. Occasionally, Soonyoung or Wonwoo would text him and ask how he was, but he couldn’t bring himself to tell them. He didn’t want to show how weak he was for crumbling away like this.

“Come to the coffee shop with me, Ji,” Seungcheol pleaded. “You can’t hide in here forever.  _ Please. _ ”

Eventually, Seungcheol coaxed Jihoon into going, only because Jihoon could use a warm drink. That was the kind of thing they would give victims in crime dramas, so Jihoon assumed it must be somewhat comforting.

When they were actually on campus, it felt as if everyone was staring at him—some of them were, some were whispering to each other, some were pointing at him like he was zoo animal. None of these people even spared Jihoon a second glance, until they knew he was gay. 

Jihoon and Seungcheol didn’t even talk at the coffee shop, because both knew it was pointless. There was nothing to be said. The damage was done. Instead, they just sipped their coffee. 

It wasn’t as comforting as Jihoon thought it would be, but that could be partly due to the senior student working the counter who was staring at Jihoon and Seungcheol in disgust. She must have assumed the two were on a date. 

_ If she only knew how complicated my love life actually is,  _ Jihoon thought. 

After that kiss with Soonyoung, it was obvious neither of them was straight, so Soonyoung probably thought he was a coward for hiding and running from him for so long. 

Neither Jihoon nor Seungcheol left a tip for the girl at the counter. They both internally determined homophobes didn't deserve those kinds of niceties. 

 

*******

 

When the two got back to their building, they noticed a few men standing outside what was assumedly their dorm rooms. All of their attention was directed at Jihoon and Seungcheol’s room, where a student was currently graffiting the door. 

Seungcheol ran down the hall and pushed the guy away. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” he shouted, snatching a can of spray paint from the guy. Upon further inspection, Jihoon realized he was a student in Jihoon’s music theory class. He always was always so polite and nice to Jihoon in class. 

_ I guess not everyone is what they seem,  _ Jihoon thought. 

Anyway, Seungcheol was an intimidating guy when he was angry. This guy clearly looks like he wanted to piss himself because Seungcheol was standing in front of him like an aggressive mother bear protecting her cubs.

It was Jihoon’s own death march, walking towards that door and seeing what was written on it. His blood was pounding in his ears, and his mouth was suddenly very dry. 

Sloppily written in bright red spray paint, there were the words “DIE HOMO” stared Jihoon in the face, and he felt as if he was about to vomit there in front of everyone. 

“I’m going to report you for vandalizing, and if I ever see your face around here, I’ll rearrange it,” Seungcheol fumed, sending the guy scrambling away. Then, he turned to everyone else and called out in warning. “If anybody else wants to harass Jihoon, they’ll have to go through me first!”

The two went into their room, and Seungcheol slammed the door behind them. 

 

*******

 

It took Jihoon a few more days to gain the courage to step out of his room again, but he wasn’t going to fail college because of the persecution. He started going back to classes and even felt comfortable enough to start studying at the library again. Practically nobody threatened or insulted him to his face because they were too afraid of the repercussions from Seungcheol, who was more than prepared to rip someone’s head off. 

He was reading in the library when some students approached him. He sighed heavily, bracing himself. As indicated by their sniffled snickering and laughing, this couldn’t be good. Wonwoo had also noticed this gaggle of boys from his position at the help desk and watched them with a wary eye. 

“Are you Lee Jihoon?” one of them composed himself enough to ask. 

Jihoon rolled his eyes but didn’t answer. Maybe, if he ignored them long enough, they would go away. 

“Well, I was wondering,” he managed through menacing giggles, “if you would bark for me tonight? I think he would look like a girl from behind, right guys?”

Then, the guys behind him broke out into loud, rambunctious laughter.

“Gross,” Jihoon muttered, snapping them out of their good time. 

“Oh, so you’re too good for me?” the guy demanded, seething. 

“Just because I’m gay doesn’t mean I want to suck every guy's dick,” Jihoon hissed with a clear look of repulsion on his face. “In fact, I wouldn’t touch you or your friends with a ten-foot pole. You smell like you haven’t had a shower in a week, you have a piece of food stuck in your teeth, and your clothes look like they were picked out by a blind man. The thought of you touching me makes me want to vomit.”

The guy looked like he wanted to beat Jihoon in front of all the other library patrons, but before he can get any closer, Wonwoo interjected, stepping in between the gang and Jihoon’s seat. 

“You are causing a disturbance, and I’ll have to ask you to please  _ get the hell out, _ ” Wonwoo bristled coldly. “If you don’t, I’ll have to remove you by force.”

“You can’t do that!” one of the guys protested. 

“I can and will,” Wonwoo said sternly. “You assholes are harassing a student who was minding his own business and studying. I’m the king of the library, and I’m telling you to  _ get the fuck out of my library _ .” 

The guys relented, not wanting to deal with the trouble of fighting in the library. None of them missed the chance to murmur the word “fag” as they left. 

When they were clear, Wonwoo turned to Jihoon and asked with concern. “Are you alright?” 

Jihoon thanked Wonwoo and confirmed he was.

“I’m sorry. I should’ve stopped those guys when I saw them come in and approach you. I knew they were going to be nothing but trouble,” Wonwoo genuinely apologized. 

“It’s okay. I’m used to it,” Jihoon shrugged him off, returning to his studies. 

“You shouldn’t be, Ji,” Wonwoo commented. Jihoon had never heard Wonwoo use a nickname with him before. “Nobody deserves that treatment—least of all you.”

With that, Wonwoo went back to his spot but would occasionally glance up to make sure nobody else was bothering Jihoon. 

 

******

 

The next day, Soonyoung texted him to see if he still had his hoodie, which Jihoon definitely did. It was one of his only comforts these days. He would sleep with it on, imagining Soonyoung was holding him and whispering in his ear that everything was going to be alright because he loved him and would always be by his side. 

“Yeah. I have it,” Jihoon texted. 

“Can you bring it by the dance studio today? I have practice between 1–5,” Soonyoung responded. 

Now, he was going to have to give up his jacket too, but he  _ really _ wanted to see Soonyoung. So, he agreed. 

At 3 o’clock, Jihoon went to the dance studio and knocked on the door of Soonyoung’s room. He waited with the hoodie slung over his arm as Soonyoung turned off the music inside the room. 

When he opened the door, Soonyoung looked as if he hadn’t slept in days. Tiredly, he smiled at Jihoon then pulled him into a firm hug. 

“Are you alright? I’ve been so worried,” Soonyoung asked, sounding slightly relieved to see Jihoon alive. 

“I’ve been better,” Jihoon admitted, burying his face into Soonyoung’s neck to hide the fact he was tearing up. He pulled away and glanced up at Soonyoung teary-eyed. “Seeing you makes things better.”

Solemnly, Soonyoung nodded his head, starting to tear up as well. 

“Oh,” Jihoon gasped and held out Soonyoung’s hoodie. “I brought your jacket.”

“Keep it,” Soonyoung commanded, smiling at Jihoon. “I just asked you to bring it to me, because I wanted to see you. I didn’t know how else to get you to leave your dorm room. Besides, you look cuter in it than I do.”

Jihoon broke out into a wide grin then instantly slipped the jacket on. 

“Perfect,” Soonyoung mumured, staring at Jihoon in awe. He gestured for Jihoon to come into the studio, then they sat down on the floor facing each other with their legs crossed. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Soonyoung asked, playing with the rings on Jihoon’s hand in front of him. It was intimate yet simple action, and Jihoon felt at peace. He never wanted to leave that room. Forever, he wanted to stay with Soonyoung.

Jihoon stayed quiet, trying to find the right words. Soonyoung waited patiently. 

“It’s been so hard,” Jihoon choked out, brushing his fingers against Soonyoung’s, who took his hand and gave a reassuring squeeze. “I’ve been working myself to death because I was  _ so  _ afraid of Hyunseok telling people. But, in the end, it didn’t make a difference. People like Hyunseok will always make  _ people like me _ miserable.”

He sighed heavily, then continued with hot tears rolling down his cheeks. “I’ve been so afraid of everyone’s reaction my entire life. It’s gotten in the way of my happiness for so long. I could have been perfectly happy by being with you, but I kept running away from myself. Now, I see it doesn’t matter whether I run or not. People will hate me no matter what I do because of  _ who I am.” _

Soonyoung didn’t say anything, just sat there and listened. “This is exactly what happened in high school. Everyone hated me then too. I just didn’t want to go through that again.”

“High school?” Soonyoung asked, connecting some dots in his brain. 

“Yeah, I was outed in high school by a hyung of mine,” Jihoon clarified.

Suddenly, it clicked in Soonyoung’s head. Jihoon  _ was  _ Woozi. The guy Jihoon said he was seeing was, in fact, himself. He’d been jealous of himself  _ this entire time. _

“I’m glad you’ve told me all this,” Soonyoung responded, deciding not to bring up his secret identity right now. He would do it when the time was right. “I want to give you the entire world,” he confessed. “You deserve it.”

For 10 minutes, they sat there silently together, holding each other’s hands and thinking solemnly.

 

*******

 

Around midnight that night, Jihoon received a message from Hoshi. 

“ _ Woozi,  _

_ I need you to meet me in the west courtyard,  _ right now.  _ I really need to talk to you face to face. Trust me, it’ll clear up a lot of things. _

_ – Love, Hoshi.” _

At this point, would it even matter if Hoshi knew who he was? His big secret was spilled all over the school like pig’s blood was spilled on Carrie. 

“ _ Hoshi,  _

_ I still don’t think this is a good idea, but it couldn’t possibly make my life any worse than it already is. I’ll be there as soon as possible. _

– _L_ _ ove, Woozi.” _

He put on Soonyoung’s hoodie and left his dorm room.

 

*******

 

At night, the campus was so peaceful. There was nobody out to point and stare at him. Jihoon preferred to be out at this time. 

When he got to the courtyard, he spotted a lone figure sitting at the small fountain on the far end. As he approached closer, the figure began to look more and more like Soonyoung. In fact, it was  _ definitely  _ Soonyoung. 

“Soonyoung? What are you doing here?” Jihoon asked, confused. This must have been some mistake. Maybe, Soonyoung just couldn’t sleep, and Jihoon just happened to run into him. There was  _ no way _ Soonyoung could be Hoshi. It was too good to be true. 

“Same thing you’re doing here,” he responded as if it was obvious. “I’m meeting the love of my life.”   


“Huh?” the other grunted dumbly. 

Soonyoung rolled his eyes playfully and gesturing towards himself. “ _ I’m Hoshi, _ you big dummy,” he teased. 

Time stopped for Jihoon right then, yet he could still feel his heart trying to burst through his ribcage like a bird trying to take flight. Maybe, it knew it belonged with Soonyoung and was trying to return to him. 

“Love of my life? That’s quite presumptuous of you,” Jihoon played, not meaning it at all. The smile spread across his face, and the blush on his cheeks gave him away. 

Soonyoung mock-pouted, looking at Jihoon with his big doe eyes. “But I love you,  _ Woozi.  _ You complete me. By the way, your name was adorable— just like you.”

After what felt like an eternity, Jihoon took a seat next to Soonyoung.

“You don’t seem shocked at all. When did you figure it out?” Jihoon asked, letting Soonyoung take ahold of his hand. 

“Earlier at the studio, when you were talking about high school,” Soonyoung explained. “I kinda put two and two together.”

Jihoon stared at his hand intertwined with Soonyoung’s, and his stomach began to flutter. There was nothing keeping them apart now. Soonyoung  _ was Hoshi _ . Jihoon could love both of them unconditionally because they were the same person. 

  
“You can’t believe how overjoyed I am to find out it has been  _ you _ this entire time,” Jihoon breathed in awe. “No matter whether you were Hoshi or Soonyoung, I’ve always been so head over heels for you.”

“Me too,” Soonyoung confided.

“What are we now, Soonyoung?” Jihoon wondered out loud. 

“Whatever you want to be,” Soonyoung commented. “Just know, I am very deeply in love with you.”

Jihoon turned to Soonyoung and stared into his eyes. They were shimmering. “I love you too, Soonyoung,” Jihoon confessed. “I can’t believe you love me after all I’ve put you through.”

“You can make it up to me by buying me more beef,” Soonyoung teased, glancing at Jihoon’s lips. 

“Will it be a date this time?” Jihoon inquired breathlessly, growing closer to Soonyoung’s face. 

“Oh, hell yeah,” Soonyoung murmured, closing the distance between them. For the second time, they were kissing, but Soonyoung wasn’t afraid of Jihoon disappearing this time. They could finally be together. Soonyoung had many more kisses to look forward to. 

When they finally separated, Jihoon panted, “So, are we boyfriends now?”

“I’ve never wanted anything more in my entire life,” Soonyoung admitted, resting his forehead against Jihoon’s and smiling a goofy grin at him. 

Jihoon was unable to breathe because he was so awestruck by how amazing Soonyoung was. He didn’t care what people thought of him being gay, because he had a great love story. This was the happy romance Jihoon always deserved, and he was getting it now. 

Neither ever had to call each other Hoshi or Woozi again. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm thinking of doing a bonus one-shot of Soonyoung and Jihoon having sex for the first time in the universe, because I think it would be sweet and cute. Let me know if that's something you would be interested in! I have a new soonhoon fic called Heartbeat (which is a Grindr AU), so please check it out if you are interested in gratuitous porn.


	8. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh my god...i cant believe it's already over....thank you so much to those of you who stuck with me during this whole fic and left kudos/comments! I've had so much fun developing and writing this. Please be on the lookout for my bonus one-shot and any other fics in the future, because I think writing soonhoon has become my hobby lol. 
> 
> and, another special thank you to my editor, Lauren! I really couldn't write these fics without her and her input. They fact she finds my plots interesting motivates me to continue writing.

**Senior Year, Spring Semester**

 

Sunlight floods into the bedroom, signaling for the two inhabitants to get out of bed. Instead, one grumbles and pulls the other closer. In his sleep-hazy mind, Soonyoung can’t believe this is real. He can’t believe he has the privilege of waking up with his boyfriend of three years in his arms. 

Jihoon mumbles something about getting up, but neither do. They have big plans for the day, yet both of them just lay there, basking each other in. 

It isn’t until Wonwoo bursts into the room that they startle out of bed. 

“Seriously you two!” he scolds. “Put some clothes on and help me! Soonyoung, your parents are going to be here any minute! By the way, you both kept me up all night with your  _ noises _ . I can’t believe I let you two convince me to move in with you.”

“What are you? My mom?” Jihoon teases, covering up his nudity with the bedsheets. 

“I might as well be,” Wonwoo hums. “Now, let’s get a move on before Soonyoung’s  _ actual mother _ gets here and realizes we live in a barn.”

After the other slams the door behind him, Jihoon lets out a laugh he had been holding on to. It infects Soonyoung, as he finds it difficult to control himself as well. 

“Why did we ask him to be our roommate?” Jihoon bursts, still laughing. 

“I thought rent would be cheaper if we split it three ways,” Soonyoung admits, giggling and playing with the rings on Jihoon’s fingers. 

Eventually, they roll out of bed, shower, and get dressed. By the time they look decent, Wonwoo has most of the housework done. Previously, their apartment looked pretty trashed from Spring Break celebrations. 

Jihoon takes over vacuuming, and Soonyoung busies himself with the dishes. Occasionally, the two would glance up at each other and smile a little bit. Neither could believe how lucky they were. 

When all the chores are done, there’s a gentle knock on the door. It’s not the first time Jihoon has met Soonyoung’s parents, but he gets more nervous every time. This relationship was too good to be true, so surely Soonyoung’s parents could not approve forever. 

Soonyoung answers and immediately pulls his mother into a tight hug. She coos over him and points out how he’s too thin. Then, she moves to Jihoon and does the same thing. Motherly love wasn’t something Jihoon was used to, so it was very off-putting the first time Jihoon met Soonyoung’s mother. 

“I swear, you get more adorable every time I see you, Jihoon-ah,” she comments, causing Jihoon to become bashful. He mutters a quick “thank you” then shakes the hand of Soonyoung’s father. 

“It’s always nice to see you, Jihoon-ah,” he says, patting Jihoon on the back. 

Wonwoo clears his throat. “I live here too,” he teases. “And, I do most of the cleaning.”

“What would my boys do without you, Wonwoo?” Soonyoung’s mother asks, laughing. 

“Probably die,” he confesses, shrugging when both Soonyoung and Jihoon glare at him. 

 

**********

 

Later that evening, Soonyoung and Jihoon take Soonyoung’s parents out to dinner, leaving the apartment to Wonwoo, who already has plans to go to his girlfriend’s apartment. They take them to the beef place Soonyoung and Jihoon went on their first date. And, Soonyoung tells his mother as much. 

“That is _so_ _sweet_ ,” she utters, smiling at a blushing Jihoon. “Did you pay like a gentleman?”

“Actually,” Jihoon interjects casually. “I paid. I had caused Soonyoung a lot of trouble in the beginning, so it was only right that I bought dinner.”

Previously, they had only explained bits and pieces of how he and Jihoon’s relationship came to be. For instance, they knew Soonyoung and Jihoon were messaging each other without knowing they were messaging each other. But, neither explained Jihoon’s month-long avoidance of Soonyoung due to  _ certain dreams _ . His parents didn’t need to know everything. 

His mom thinks their story is very cute, and they should have Wonwoo write it. Soonyoung has vigorously tried to explain to her Wonwoo would murder both of them if he had to think of that situation ever again. 

“How are your studies going, boys?” she asks as they all chow down on barbeque. “Anything exciting?”

“Do you want to tell them?” Jihoon turns to his boyfriend, unsure if he should break the news to them. Soonyoung’s parents share a worried glance for a second like Soonyoung and Jihoon have decided to drop out of college and become traveling salesmen. 

“You tell them,” Soonyoung decides, gesturing towards his parents. “You did way more work than I did. It was  _ your idea _ that got our foot in the door.”

Jihoon rolls his eyes and nudges Soonyoung. “Whatever,” he dismisses. “I couldn’t even do the project without you.”

All the while, Soonyoung’s parents watch amused as the boys playfully bicker with each other. Soonyoung’s father leans closer to his wife and whispers, “They’re like an old married couple, aren’t they?”

She breaks out into a giggle, snapping Jihoon and Soonyoung out of their conversation. 

“One of you need to tell me before I die of anticipation,” she lightheartedly scolds. 

Jihoon chances a glance at Soonyoung then takes a deep breath. His parents weren’t very impressed when they told them, but Soonyoung’s parents were completely different towards him. Jihoon could just breath, and they would think he was a charming young man. He knows it’s because he makes Soonyoung happy, but he feels like he’s actually appreciated by Soonyoung’s parents. 

“We’ve been offered entry-level jobs at Pledis Entertainment out of college!” Jihoon announces. “Last semester, we submitted a project we worked on together, and they want us to be a part of their production staff.”

“They were so impressed with Jihoon they asked him to make an entire album for one of their rookie girl groups,” Soonyoung brags, throwing his arm around a pouting Jihoon. 

“That’s great!” His mother congratulates them. 

“I’m proud of you boys,” His father sincerely offers. 

Then, Soonyoung kisses Jihoon on the cheek, yet his parents don’t cringe away from them like Jihoon’s used to. In fact, Soonyoung’s mother thinks it’s adorable, and Jihoon is so happy he thinks he might cry. 

 

*******

 

When they come home, Jihoon receives a call from Seungcheol. They were still friends, but it wasn’t often he called because he was so busy with work. Out of college, Seungcheol was offered a position at one of Korea’s top super companies. For all Jihoon knew, Seungcheol was out somewhere marketing diapers. 

“Turn on the TV, Ji!” Seungcheol immediately shouts when Jihoon answers. “Turn it to channel 7!” 

  
“Wow, rude. I don’t get a hello,” Jihoon retorts but reaches for the remote anyway. 

“Hello, you precious little baby turd. I love you. Are you watching?” Seungcheol sighs.

Finally, Jihoon manages to get to channel 7, where the local Seoul news is playing. And nothing other than Hyunseok’s mugshot was on his screen, accompanied by the title “Local Officer Arrested for Extortion.”

Jihoon has not seen Hyunseok since he was expelled from Seoul University two years ago. After Jihoon’s outing died down, Hyunseok violated his academic probation resulting in expulsion. Apparently, Hyunseok was a one-trick pony. 

“What did he do?” Jihoon asks in awe. If he made the evening news, it must have been bad. 

“Well, after he got expelled, his father sent him to complete his service instead,” Seungcheol explains. “Somehow, he got ahold of information of other police officers and some low-level politicians. They all figured out he had dirt on a large number of people and turned him in for extortion.”

“I always thought he belonged in prison,” Jihoon comments, feeling satisfied Hyunseok was in his rightful place. 

“Me too, Ji” Seungcheol yawns. “Anyway, how are you and Soonyoung?”

Jihoon loves that Seungcheol lumps them in as a package item now because they essentially were. 

“We’re good,” Jihoon assures, smiling at Soonyoung who comes out of the bedroom in his pajamas. “We went to dinner with his parents tonight.”

“I’m glad to hear that, Ji,” the other remarks. “You two still need to come have dinner with me sometime.”

“We haven’t forgotten,” Jihoon hums. Soonyoung yawns and pulls Jihoon into his lap on the couch, planting lazy kisses down the back of his neck. “Well, I’ve got to go. Soonyoung wants to go to bed.”

“Goodnight, Ji,” Seungcheol finishes then hangs up the phone when Jihoon repeats it back. 

The newsreel is still playing on the TV, and Soonyoung watches with a satisfied look on his face. 

“I’m glad he got what he deserved,” Soonyoung mumbles in a hard voice. Silently, Jihoon nods in agreement.

Eventually, they get up off the couch and pad back into their room together. They both get to relish in the fact they are the last thing both of them see in the day and the first thing they wake up to in the morning. Neither of them ever wants the other to leave their side. Neither of them thinks they ever could leave the other. 

So, they curl up into each other’s arms and wait for another day together to come tomorrow. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've started a new fic called "Heartbeat," if you would like to check that out :)


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